Better than myself
by ani0729
Summary: Sequel to As a man - This a journey of Ranger and Steph moving forward in their lives, working towards their HEA.
1. Chapter 1

Better than Myself Part 1

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. But if I could rent to own my very own Ranger, I would be very happy.

Stephanie's POV

I have been hiding out in Ranger's apartment since he left, three days ago. I am ignoring calls from my mother and Joe, not even listening to their messages. Ella and Tank have been my only companions for my time in hiding. Tank is being quieter than usual; I am just assuming that he is worried about Ranger. And Ella is cooking a lot more food, not that I am complaining about that. I think she is just keeping her hands busy and Tank and I are the lucky recipients. They are who wanted around me while I processed what happened in Boston and the decisions that I have made. Tank is surprisingly a great listener, he doesn't say much, but when he has something to say it is always makes me think of something I haven't before. He is going to be an invaluable help in my moving forward. Ella treats me the way I always wished my mother would, just listening without judgment, I need that. I have never heard anything but judgment from my mother.

I know that Ranger and I belong together, but I have a lot of growing up and standing up to do before that can happen.

It is time for me to go out and face the world, Tank went back to work, so it is time for me to go also. I have to confront Joe and my mother in order for me to freely live the way I want to. I can't continue to let the expectations and decisions of others to rule my life. (Easier said than done though). I shower with Ranger's shower gel and get ready to leave the security of his place, our place?

I eat the pancakes Ella has left me, I don't think I am going to stay in my apartment anymore, this place comes with food. I run down to 5 to tell Tank that I am finally leaving to see the world. He notices me, "So, you are finally emerging from your exile, you look ready to face the day."

I smile at him and he asks me to close the door. That is never a good sign; I close the door and sit in the nearest chair.

He tells me that he broke up with Lula last night. I am shocked; I thought they were happy together, in it for the long haul. I overheard a conversation he had with Ranger about engagement rings. I was sure that I was going to end up a bridesmaid in hot pink spandex. Then he tells me that Lula and Connie have been spreading rumors about where I have been and why no one has caught a glimpse of either Ranger or I for the past few days. I am used to all of the rumors about me, but I get angry when I hear that Ranger is being dragged into my Burg gossip hell. And I thought Lula and Connie always heard the gossip and reported, I never thought about them starting it.

"What are they saying?"

He said it did start with Joe, saying that I haven't been seen because I am being kept at Rangeman as their whore, and he will never take me back because I have been sleeping with Ranger and his thugs and no longer worthy of being his wife. (Well hopefully will make our break up easier, but I doubt it)

Lula is saying that Ranger will never commit to me because I am not sexually experienced and frigid. So I am trying to show him that I am experienced enough for him, by allowing all the men at Rangeman to pass me around like a joint. (All but Tank)

Connie is also spreading the same lies and also saying that Ranger said if I don't do this, he will no longer save me or give me cars. This "arrangement" has been going on for a long time as payment for the cars and all of the times he had to save me.

I am starting to get very upset. I hate this and I know the Burg, the story will get so twisted and out of hand, but really how much more twisted can it get. I know from experience, after I lost my virginity to Joe, the story turned so much that I was with Joe and half of the football team and that Joe left because he was so unsatisfied with my performance that he couldn't bear to stay. I couldn't date because I wasn't sure it was because they wanted to know me, or they wanted a taste of P.P (which is what I was called for the rest of high school, Plum Pudding).

I thought they were my friends, Lula knows how hard it is for me, I have confided so much in her. She knows things about me that I haven't ever told anyone. She knows so much about my relationship with my mother, Valerie and Joe. I knew they like to tease me about my relationships with Ranger and Joe, but I always thought it was good natured teasing. Nothing like these hurtful lies, I am not sure I can work with them anymore, they are not my friends, I am not even sure they like me. You don't do that to someone you like.

I am holding back tears, Lula has not called me once to check on me, she has no idea where I am or what could have happened to me. And instead of looking for me, she sits around making up lies. I thought of Lula as someone as I was as close to as Mary Lou. I treated her like she would always be there for me, like I have always helped and been there for her.

I was so wrong, a WHORE, they are making me sound like a whore. Where does Lula get off! I have never said anything or held anything about her former profession against her. I admired her for getting out of it and trying to change her life. I put myself out for her when I didn't have to! And she is spreading lies about me! I have only slept with three men my entire life, Joe, Dickie and Ranger; I am hoping that Ranger will be my last. I know all the decisions I have made haven't been perfect, but I am far from a whore and she knows this.

I tell Tank that I am so glad he told me this before I left the building, so I know exactly what I am walking into when I reach the Burg. I tell Tank that I don't know what I am going to do about working for the bonds office; I can't work with people who think so little of me. He says that there is always room for me at Rangeman. I thank him and have to force myself to leave the building.

I get into my current POS, a rust colored Ford Escort; I don't think this is the time to drive a Rangeman vehicle, not for what I need to do today.

I guess the unexpected first part of cleaning out my closet is to confront Connie and Lula. Maybe it is time for me to move away from bonds enforcement, because seriously, I know I am not the best at it. I think I am sick of the danger and being shot at; I need to find my own space in the world. I can work at Rangeman while I do that. That will make Ranger happy; he has always wanted me to find what makes me feel like I am flying.

_This is the first part of my sequel; I figured I would take a little break from the tissues for at least one chapter. Thanks for all of the reviews of my last story and I hope everyone likes the direction of this one also. All reviews and suggestions are taken seriously. Thanks! _


	2. Chapter 2

Better than Myself Part 2

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. But if I could rent to own my very own Ranger, I would be very happy.

Tank's POV

Breaking up with Lula was the last thing I wanted to do. I was planning a future with her, I wanted to marry, have a house, a couple of kids, and I wanted it all with her. I am not nearly as closed off as Ranger, but women don't take me seriously as relationship material. I was good for stud services or a walk on the wild side for a night, but never anything long term. I thought Lula was different; I wanted her to be different. Maybe it wasn't that different to her.

Loyalty is something I value above everything else. I am very loyal to those in my life and I expect the same from others. Lula knows that I consider Ranger my brother. I have explained to her that we have been through a lot together. He was there for me through the death of my parents. And for her to spread gossip like that, with all of the information she has on how important Ranger is too me, shows that she is not loyal to me and mine. To spread lies about Stephanie, who has gone out of her way to help her, when others have walked away, is unforgivable. She calls Stephanie her best friend, hell, how would she treat someone she hated.

I am so glad I was in Vinnie's office and heard what they were saying; Vinnie always has the office bugged. Vinnie heard it all and didn't attempt to defend Stephanie at all. I thought they were family? I will have a talk with Ranger about our continued work with Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. If Vinnie has no loyalty to his family, how would he show loyalty to anyone at Rangeman?

I want to be a fly on the wall when Stephanie gets there. Sometimes her temper gets out of control and they will deserve it. Lula has been leaving me messages, she doesn't understand what happened. Well that is another part of the problem. I feel foolish to have put my trust in her.

I need to just get to work, to focus on something else. Working will keep my mind off of the shambles of my personal life. I do have a lot to do, to catch up on. I walk into Ranger's office to get started and my mind wanders again, to wondering how he is doing. I know that facing your demons is hard work. But if anyone can do it and come out better for it, he can.

Then hopefully there will be some weight off of my shoulders. I have been worrying about what he was doing to himself for months now. Ever since I found the changes he made to his will and letters that were written for myself, Ella and Stephanie. Ranger never does anything by mistake, seeing those, just lying on his desk, made my blood run cold. Rushing up to seven, I found him staring out the window with his weapons on the floor in front of him. He didn't respond when I called his name. I locked his weapons in the safe in my office, called us both off line and sat with him for three days. It was three days of silence on his part. The only thing he said was, "I was never here."

At the end of the three days, he snapped out of it. We never spoke of it. After that time, I noticed subtle changes in his demeanor. He worked out harder and more often, I didn't think the man could gain more muscle, but he became massive. He was out in the field more, doing more apprehensions, ones that he would have passed to someone else. And he was so much more disciplined about his eating and his schedule and over vigilant about his personal security. There were extra locks on the doors in his apartment and motion detectors. I don't know where this track he was on was leading him, but I am relieved that he finally agreed to get help. I already knew he didn't sleep much and your body cannot continue to be pushed that way without much sleep. . I was getting a horrible feeling about how hard he was driving himself.

The ringing of the phone breaks me out of that train of thought. I bet it is Lula again, oh, that isn't my phone, it is the one Ranger forwarded all his calls to - I check the caller ID – it's Jason. I answer, he was surprised that it was me; Ranger did not call him to tell him he was in the wind, like he always had. Jason called to let Ranger know that Maggie had died and a lawyer will call later on in the week to discuss the will. That is fine; I have Ranger's power of attorney, so I can handle all of this for him.

Well, with the plans that Ranger has for whatever money Maggie left him, maybe Steph quitting the bonds office with open her up to Ranger's plans for her and for the money.

_My muse wasn't ready for the confrontation between Steph, Connie and Lula. I have another chapter and hopefully then my muse will let that happen. Again I appreciate all of your reviews. Thanks for reading._


	3. Chapter 3

Better than Myself Part 3

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. But if I could rent to own my very own Ranger, I would be very happy.

Ranger's POV 

This is a very peaceful place, I know it is designed to be, but I truly can appreciate how the sense of calm can make some people feel open to change. Although for me, right now, it is making me restless. I am always the man with a plan, with something to do, somewhere to go, a job that needs handled, relaxing is not something I am used to, or very good at. I have never just given myself a chance just to kick back and rest or even have fun. Everything that I have done since I was old enough to make a decision has been about doing something, whether it was productive (joining the army, the Rangers) or destructive (gangs and drugs). There was always something that has to be done.

My workouts are monitored and limited (thanks Tank) to be more about maintaining my physical condition and not the punishing I have been giving myself for the past six months. Pushing my body past exhaustion always with the hopes that I will be able to sleep without dreams or nightmares. I am unable to do that here, so I am sleeping less than usual. I am refusing the offered sleep medications so far, but I am not sure how long that refusal will last, I am just exhausted. I just can't close my eyes for long without some horrible thought or memory slipping in; I am running on about 4 hours of restless sleep a night.

How does that poem by Robert Frost go? _But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep. _

I know I haven't begun the hard work, stripping away my vices of avoidance, is just the beginning. I just don't want to fail at this or have someone tell me that they cannot help me. Assurances have been made that no one will expect me to relive or retell 14 years of abuse, unless there is a specific issue or instance that I need to discuss. The purpose of this is to stop me for separating myself from my feelings.

Yeah, it sounds that easy? I have tried very hard for years not to feel any emotions but anger and lust, if lust is an emotion. That is why I didn't recognize the feelings I was developing for Stephanie until I was so in love with her I couldn't see straight. Love, was one of those emotions that I did not recognize and surely did not have any use for. No one – has gotten into my heart in a romantic way, I would never allow it. And truthfully, no one has really tried; I was a good looking roll in the hay, nice looking arm candy or a potential sugar daddy. I was never someone anyone was serious about being with, I was to quiet, to dangerous or too secretive. I didn't mind because I never was serious about anyone, good looking bed warmers is what I was always looking for. Now I don't want anything but Stephanie. The promises she made before I left, about Morelli, her family and moving in together are helping me get though his. But I will not know until I leave here if something happens to make her unable to keep those promises. It is better that way; I can't base the work I am going to do here solely on my hopes for our future. And I have big hopes for her, not just romantically, but business wise also.

I have felt myself slipping further away from Ella and Tank, who are my family. The two people who have made me feel that I was a part of the world. What I did to Tank when he found the changes I made to my will still fills me with a lot of guilt. I know I scared him to death, he thinks of me as his brother, someone whose back he should always have and I am completely aware that my death will make him feel as if he failed somehow. I didn't really think too much about it when I did it. I just started to feel it was time to make my wishes known to those most important.

When Tank found me in my apartment, I was in no place to explain anything to him, because I didn't really know myself. I don't believe I was considering suicide, I just know I was lonely and exhausted. There has been days before that incident and after where I didn't (don't) think my life is worth living, but not that I don't want to live it. I can admit now (and will talk about what it means while I am here) that there was this overwhelming sense of tranquility when Scrog shot me. I am not afraid to die, I think then I would be able to finally rest.

Thoughts like that in my line of work are dangerous to me and anyone I am partnered with.

So, while Stephanie and all of the plans I have for us was the catalyst for bringing me here. I am also doing this so I can live as part of the world and not as a shadow on the outside looking in. I want what Tank has with Lula, I know he is going to propose and the idea of having a family and more children is starting to appeal to me. But I know my children (including Julie) deserve more than I am now, I deserve more than I am now.

_A/N: Life has gotten a little in the way, but I am still really dedicated to this story and am working on the next chapter… the confrontation w/ Stephanie, Lula and Connie. I am also keeping Ranger's plan for Stephanie secret for now. Thanks to everyone for their interest in this story, reviews and suggestions are always welcome. _


	4. Chapter 4

Better than myself Part 4

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. But if I could rent to own my very own Ranger, I would be very happy.

Stephanie's POV

I am so angry and hurt; I am unsure how to react. I am taking my time getting to the bonds office, I am afraid that it will be the last time I walk in there. I thought that Connie and Lula were my friends. Part of me just wants to walk in there and start screaming at them, how dare they spread lies, they really no nothing of my relationship with Ranger. I guess there was a part of me that didn't trust them because they never knew the depth of my feelings for him, never really knew what was going on with us. There were some things that were so special; I just wanted to keep to myself. It is good that I did, because it would be all over the 'Burg by now.

I stop at the Tasty Pastry and pick up a dozen Boston Crème's (for old times' sake), I think I am just going to go in there and play it by ear. I want to see how they react to me, before I react to them. But I will not leave without telling them what I know and how I feel. I cannot live in denial anymore. No matter how much I would rather just pretend I don't know.

I walk into the office and Lula grabs the box without speaking, she looks as if she has been crying. Probably over Tank, but maybe she should have thought about that before she opened her mouth about his best friend. I sit next to her on the couch and just wait for her to start talking, the one thing I know about Lula, give her some food and she will spill her guts. Now I am not sure how much she told me was truth.

"Tank and I broke up last night. He said he wasn't sure he knew me at all and wasn't sure he wanted to know me anymore."

She starts sniffling, like she is trying to hold it together. I pat her hand and ask her why, she said that he overheard a private conversation and overreacted. "Lula, Tank doesn't usually react, much less overreact, maybe I can help."

I wonder if she is going to tell me what she said. She says that he overheard them (probably meaning her and Connie) relating what Joe has been saying about me around town, and because no one has seen me for a few days that people are believing what is being said. I look over at Connie and she looks away quickly.

Is that guilt I saw?

"What are they saying; it can't be any worse than usual? I haven't spoken to Joe in a little bit, so he doesn't know what is going on with me, he hasn't even bother to call and check on me, no one has."

Lula goes on to say, that Joe has been telling anyone who would listen that Rangemen is using me for sex, because no respectable woman would sleep with them (bullshit, they are all gorgeous). That sex was my payment for everything Ranger has done for me and it has been going on for the entire time we have known each other.

I am starting to get pissed again; I know Joe has said some horrible things about me, but what about what they said.

"That is funny; I heard from TANK, that you and Connie were also saying that I was Rangeman's whore. That Ranger couldn't possibly want to be with me, because I was not "experienced" enough for him and he is just using me! That is why Tank broke up with you, because you made it sound that Ranger was passing his "woman" to all of his friends and I couldn't measure up in bed."

I am trying to hold back and not just start screaming, I think I am doing it, but just barely.

Lula says, "We didn't really start anything as much as we added to the story that Joe was already spinning. You know how gossip is, the person telling it is like a celebrity for a bit. We didn't really mean anything by it."

Is she trying to justify her part in making Ranger look like a fool and ruining my reputation?

"Oh, so you wanted to be a fucking celebrity, by dragging our names thru the mud! Now all of Trenton thinks they know the truth, because it came from YOU! So, you think it is good that I am playing the role of the whore? I wouldn't want to take the title from the actual whore, now would I? I thought we were friends Lula? I only ever wanted to help you, when everyone else said that they would not bother with a Stark street 'ho. That a 'ho never forgets their hustle. Is that what you did Lula? Did you hustle me? Did you?"

I guess my yelling brought Vinnie out of his office, he is standing there looking like I have grown and extra head. "Steph, you need to stop yelling."

"What? Stop yelling, you couldn't stand up for me, not once. You just let them talk about me, like we aren't family. Thanks Vinnie, I am done with you and this place. And when Ranger returns I will make sure to talk to him and have him reconsider his association with you. As a man of honor, he stands up for those he considers family."

Connie starts speaking now, "Rangemen, men of honor, bullshit Steph and you know it. Ranger is a mercenary, willing to kill anyone for the highest price. And don't think those that he works with are much better. I know all about the kind of "military" work they are involved in. The only reason Ranger helped you is because he owed something to me. I know you are doing something, I know that men like that never do anything without some form of payment. He gives you cars, helps you with your skips, and sends out search parties for you, all because of your personality? Yeah, because people really work that way. What are you giving him Steph? A man like that wouldn't want someone like you without connections in the city. Ranger is a man who is always planning and looking towards the future, you cannot help him in any way. He turned me down; I am very well connected and could help him move forward in this city. You can do nothing for him, nothing, but sex."

Oh, so that is it, she tried to get with Ranger and was turned down flat.

"Connie, most men don't want to be with a woman who has more facial hair than they do, for starters. Maybe no one would help YOU without you doing something for them. People are not just nice to me because they are scared of the "family" they are nice to me because they chose to be."

I take a deep breath and go to walk out the door but Lula steps in front of it. I want to stun her and just walk over her body, but she starts to speak.

"You think that everything you do has no penalty because Ranger will drop everything for you. But he also makes Tank drop everything for you too. I am left in the cold many times because of your stupid actions. Everyone puts Stephanie Plum first, everyone is always talking about how brave the "Bombshell Bounty Hunter" is. I think you are starting to believe your own hype, you think you don't know any explanations for your actions to anyone. You disappear when you want and everyone is waiting for you, with hugs and fucking kisses. You jerk Morelli and Ranger around and no one calls you on it. The real world does not work that way, you are not the center of the universe and I was tired of being behind you! I thought if I took you and the great Manoso, down a peg, make them doubt what they are seeing when they look at the star-crossed lovers. Then maybe Tank would be noticed for the great man he is, and I would be seen as more than your sidekick."

I am done with this; I calmly look at her and say, "You obviously do not know Tank at all, to think that he wants to be noticed for anything he does. Tank and I are so much alike, I don't want all of the attention that I get and he doesn't want any attention either. I do see you for who you are, though, Lula, a jealous, whore. There isn't anything else for me to see here."

I walk out of the bonds office and into my car driving away from the bonds office; I only get so far before I start crying so hard I have to pull over.

I have lost some of the people who I depended on in my life; it is good to know what they really think of me. I know this is only the beginning of the people I will lose in the next month and a half. The weight of that knowledge is almost crushing. The only thing that I know is that what is waiting for me when this is all over is a great future, with the love of my life. But will we be able to have that future in New Jersey?

_A/N: I thought about this confrontation in many different ways and from many different views. I think that this is the one that worked out the best. Thanks for everyone who has left me feedback, it is much appreciated. _


	5. Chapter 5

Better than myself Part 5

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Ella's POV

Entering Carlos' apartment with dinner, I see Stephanie and Tank, pretending to watch television. Tank told me the situation between Lula and himself and how Stephanie had a confrontation with her so called friends. I will never understand how people can have no regarding for the feelings of others. It sounded like this would be the perfect day for comfort food. I start to plate up Shrimp and Chicken Etouffee for Tank, Fettuccine and Sweet Italian Sausage Alfredo for Stephanie, a simple Chicken Paillard for myself and I thought flan for dessert would make them think of Carlos. I know food will never be enough to ease the ache in their hearts, but sometimes familiar food offers a small amount of solace.

I understand how it feels to be betrayed by those you trusted without question. I wish I had some wise words to help them through this, I know the only answer is time and the creation of new connections. I just hope that they do not take as much time as I did to start feeling better. I lost so much time wallowing in my misery that life started to pass me by. Stephanie still has more cleaning house to do, to move forward with Carlos. I have never met two people who needed each other more.

I hope Carlos realizes what Stephanie will have to give up to start a life with him. She is going to have to change her entire life and maybe lose all the people that she has ever known. I don't know how one person can be surrounded by so many people who do not have her happiness in mind at all. They just want her to be the way they want her to be, and criticize her when she doesn't comply. I don't know if that poor girl has ever known unconditional love, which is why I know Carlos and Stephanie need each other. They can give each other the stability and love they both are obviously so desperate for. But not here, no one will allow her a moment's peace if they stay in Trenton.

Carlos better do everything in his power and accept all the help offered to become whole. I fear that this is the only chance he will give himself to be the man I know he always was meant to be. We spoke before he left and he shared more information about what was done to him while he was growing up. I was horrified by what he told me, and I am not foolish enough to think he told me very much at all. If what he shared is only a portion of what happened, then it explains so much more why he kept the entire world at arm's length. How do you trust, when your whole world was untrustworthy from the minute you were born? How can you be well adjusted when all you can remember in your life is abuse?

He also allowed me to read Arielle's letter. I feel so bad for that poor girl, she was so beautiful and such a happy child. Another thing to add to the list of things I feel guilty for, I didn't notice the change in her. I was too caught up in trying to distance myself from Maggie and since Arielle was the spitting image of her mother, I distanced myself from her also. I cannot believe all of the destruction one life can leave in its wake.

Jason and I have spoken and he told me of her death. He asked me to go to the funeral and I think I should go. I want to; no I need to tell her good-bye. Not to the woman she became, but I need to say good-bye to the girl I loved as a sister. I don't know when she changed, but before the change, we shared our entire lives with each other.

I was there the day she met Thomas, saw the excitement in her eyes when she realized that this attractive older man was interested in her. She was there for me when I was told that I could never have children, holding me as I cried, she told me that she would have enough kids for the both of us.

That is the girl whose funeral I need to attend.

Stephanie and Tank slowly come to the table and we begin to eat in companionable silence, drawing strength from the owner of this apartment. Something that I know we will all do a lot in the next month and hope will continue upon his return. I think that we will have to all make more of an effort to be a family, we left Carlos alone for far too long, letting him dictate the closeness of our relationships. Foolishly thinking he knew what he needed. No more of that. I hope Stephanie comes to the same decision about not letting him push her away either.

As I get up to serve dessert, Stephanie asks if I can help her pack up her apartment in the next few days. She doesn't plan on staying there again, which is great. It is a huge step in moving forward with her life and showing commitment to Carlos. I agree that it would be best if she is already moved before she talks with Joe and her mother. Maybe that will be enough to show them how serious she is about the changes she is making.

Tank speaks up advising that he will be there when she talks to Joe, he can fade into the background better than anyone I have ever seen. But him not being there is not a question. He will not allow anything to happen to her on his watch, if he can help it. Joe seems like the kind of man who can be unpredictable if he doesn't get his way.

I am so happy that all of those I consider my children will be living under one roof.

_A/N: This is where my very active muse has taken me this time; I think I am back into the writing groove. As always I love your feedback, thanks for reading. _


	6. Chapter 6

Better than myself Part 6

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Tank's POV 

After a few days of phone tag, I was able to get in touch with the lawyer regarding Ranger's mother's estate. At first she was reluctant to give me any details and had questions about what kind of son would not be available to hear their mother's last wishes. But after I faxed over the power of attorney documents and explained Ranger's military status, Miss Camille Baxter, was very willing to give me all of the details. We even remained on the phone for awhile after I had all the information I needed, she was very well travelled and we have been to many of the same places. We hung up with the promise to speak again and exchanged personal cell numbers. That was surprising; I am not looking to find something new, the wounds from my break up with Lula are too fresh. But it is always nice to have someone else to get to know.

Ranger is now $250,000 richer. Not like he needs the money, he spends that much on cars, without a second thought. She also left him a portion of the proceeds of the sale of the house, but the house is Jason's until he chooses to sell. Ranger has plans for that money; he was hoping that it was enough to get his new project off the ground. Ranger wants to open a safe place for children to go, a club or safe house of sorts, that has counseling available including addiction specialists, along with sports programs, home work help, and maybe some vocational training. He didn't have all the specifics, but he had a general plan. Just some place so kids can know that there is someone willing to help, because it is easy to think that no one cares or will help. This project would be Stephanie's to run, with myself and Ranger and partners. I think that she would be phenomenal at this, she can read people and has a way of getting people involved in whatever she is doing. With her personality and Ranger's business sense, this could be a fantastic opportunity for us to branch out into. I know Ranger isn't looking to make money off of this, just to break even, as long as he can find some additional sponsors, which will be no problem. And I know there are always investors looking to "diversify their portfolios." Also, getting into business with Carlos Manoso, is always a good idea.

She isn't ready to hear about this now, with how busy she has been, cleaning out her apartment with Ella's help. The Rangeman helped move her furniture out yesterday. Today they were going to clean and paint, as a part of the deal she made with Dillon, for breaking the lease. It was startling to see how little belongings she actually planned to move to seven. It was mostly clothes, shoes and bathroom products. She didn't want to bring any of her furniture, no kitchen items, except her cookie jar. I don't know how a woman in her 30s still lived as if she was still in a college dorm. It seems a little depressing. She did confide in me, that she was a little embarrassed with how little she is bringing to the relationship with Ranger, I did remind her that what she doesn't have in money or things, she makes up to him with her love and willingness to look beyond the face he shows to the world.

The move is going slower that it would have if she would have just let me handle it, but I don't think she wants to rush. Because once the gossip mill gets wind of her move, it will force her into confrontations with Morelli and her mother.

We both have been exhausted since the confrontation with Lula and Connie, so I am thinking she is using this time to emotionally recharge before going headlong into battle again.

Hell, I need time to emotionally recharge, Lula is relentless. Calling, crying, begging, yelling, it is all getting to be too much. Does she really think that any of those tactics will work? You can't bully someone into being with you. If you could, would you want to be with them?

I am glad that I have the running of Rangeman to keep me busy. I have been trying to figure out a way to stop picking up skips for Vinnie, without losing too much revenue. I have three different ideas running through my head- working with Les Sebring, starting up our own bail bonds office or just leaving Jersey altogether. We (Les, Bobby and I) only stayed because Ranger stayed, and he was just here because he was drawn to Steph. Before he met her, he was ready to just make the Trenton office another satellite office. It can be run without us here; we would just have to pick new leadership.

I want to be ready with a complete plan when Ranger gets back. There are a lot of decisions I can make without his signature, but I don't want to make any major changes until his return.

There is a knock at my office door, "Enter."

Stephanie comes in, looking a little happier than I have seen her lately, but covered in light blue paint.

"The apartment is done; you know I couldn't do anything without making a mess of myself. I gave the keys to Dillon, so I am now official a resident of Casa Rangeman."

I grin at her, and then I have to ask, "When are you planning on telling Morelli and your family?"

She looks thoughtful, "Give me a few days to bask in the happy feeling finally doing something for me, then I will be ready for Joe. My mother will be the worst, so we will talk to her last."

How will her mother be worse than Morelli? I know that Morelli is going to off like a Roman candle. He thinks that because he was Stephanie's first it means he has some permanent claim on her. He just sees her as property and all he is going to think is that he lost to Ranger. I am hoping he flips; I have wanted to hit him for awhile.

There must be something about Stephanie's mother I don't know about, I know she is a nag, but I don't know how that can be worse than Morelli going apeshit. Wait… she said we, I guess I am going to go with her to visit her mother when she is ready, great, maybe we can time it when her Grandma has a viewing, so I don't have to deal with her grabby Grandma.

_A/N: I think I am going to write the Joe Morelli confrontation from his POV, I am working it out in my head. I want to write something a little dark and I think Joe would be the best candidate. Is there anyone you want to hear from, let me know, and I will see if the muse will let me. _

_Thanks for all of your reviews and reading my story. If I don't get to respond to your review, just remember I love reviews like a fat kid loves cake! _


	7. Chapter 7

Better than myself Part 7

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Disclaimer: for language

Joe's POV

I was so pissed when Steph and Manoso both disappeared at the same time, making me look like a fool. Everyone assumed that they were gone somewhere together. It was common knowledge that they had something going on. I know that everybody at the station is constantly laughing at me when I called Stephanie my girlfriend. They think that I don't here when they say; she is Joe's girlfriend, but Ranger's woman in every way.

When the disappearance happened without a word to anyone, I was starting to look like a lovesick puppy, just being lead around by my cock. I had to defend myself; I started talking about how Steph was off somewhere "paying" off her debt to Rangeman. What surprised me is when Lula and Connie started talking, giving validity to my story. The gossip was on and in the 'Burg, gossip means more than truth. I played the part of the hurt betrayed party, who just wanted to love Stephanie, but her head was turned by all the money and the muscle. I was telling everyone that after I knew what she did with all of those men, those men that were so unlike our kind, that I could never take her back without a lot of changes. What I didn't tell anyone, that the thought of her with all of those men, kind of turned me on.

When Manoso was done with her, she will have to beg me to take her back. Beg publicly and often, because I am her last hope, no respectable man will ever want her again. She is never going to be the perfect 'Burg wife, but she is mine. She has been mine since I was 8 years old. Nothing about that will change; we are not over until I say it is over.

I finally heard from Connie, that Steph has resurfaced at the bonds office, where Vinnie promptly fired her. Connie has always been great for getting information. She told me every time Ranger and Steph were in the alley kissing and whatever else they were doing back there. Connie would tell me anything I wanted to know for a little piece of the "Italian Stallion". We have spent a lot of time in that same alley. Connie is a very willing lay; she will do all the things that Steph is too frigid to handle.

I now know she is around, I am on a mission to find her and tell her that she is mine and it's time to come back home. But there will be some big changes, no more running around like she could do anything, but make babies. No more embarrassing me or her family by playing as a bond enforcement agent, no more hanging around Ranger or those men. None of it, it will be time for her to grow up and become my wife. If I have to take her away from Trenton to make that happen. Then that is what I will do.

The longer I go without catching up to her, the longer she goes without calling me, the angrier I become.

Don't I mean anything to her? I have worked so hard to make her mine, now she is going to make me a laughing stock.

I went to her apartment and the locks have been changed. That punk Dillion said she moved, and didn't give a real forwarding address, just a P.O. Box.

What the fuck? She isn't in any of her usual spots, and the more I think about it, the more I am sure she is either living with Manoso or at the very least living in that building. She never gave up her apartment for me! No, this is not happening this way. I want to confront her, but I can't go to his turf to do it, I need to get her alone. He has brain washed her, seduced an innocent white girl from the 'Burg with his money and stolen cars.

She is MINE, I don't know why she doesn't see it, I know I can make her see; we are always the best when we were in the bed. I just need to get her underneath me and she will remember.

When I finally do see her, it is at the most unexpected place, at a drug store on the outskirts of town. I was there buying condoms so I could go see if Connie had any more information about Stephanie. And there she is, getting out of a black SUV. I don't even notice who is with her. I am just so (happy, relieved, pissed?) to see her, I just react, completely focused on her.

"Cupcake! Where have you been, you mom and I have been so worried?"

She just does a little finger wave and says "Hi!" like nothing should be wrong. Is she crazy? She is my girlfriend and she disappears without a thought or a call.

I walk up to her and try to kiss her and she turns her head, to just give me her cheek and takes a step back. What is this? Now, she is too good to kiss me? I grab her arm and start pulling her with me, but she is being stubborn.

"No, Joe I am sorry, I can't go with you right now. We do need to talk, but I can't do it now. Can I call you?"

What? She just wants to call me, does she think now that I have found her I am ever just going to let her out of my sight again?

"NO, CUPCAKE, THIS IS GOING TO STOP! You can't just do whatever you want, go with who you want, whenever you think you want to. You belong to me, why don't you see that?" I am trying not to cause a scene. But really, does she think she belongs with them, no she belongs to me.

"I spoke to your Mother, and she agrees with me. We have let this go on long enough there are steps that she is willing to take to make sure you start to behave. Now let's go."

When I say those words, I am now sure I have convinced her, I see her start to fold in on herself. I go to grab her, but she pushes me away again.

No, that is not how this is happening! I pick her up and almost get her inside my car, when I notice Tank. I notice him alright, a second before he hits me so hard, that I think I am air born for a few seconds.

I start to yell, from my position on the ground, "Do you think that they will defend you once they know where you belong? I love you, I will help you and I know everything. Do you think Manoso will want you when he discovers how inconvenient you are? What you tried to do to yourself, how much help you really need? Face it; I am all you got, _BABE_.

She straightens up and looks me straight in the eye, in a way she never has before. "No, Joe, no matter what you or my mother think, I will and I do have Carlos. He will love me, no matter how much of my business you spread in the streets.

I am done with you Joe, I am sorry for how this is happening. I know it is part of my fault for letting this go on as long as it did. But this has to end. If you keep on talking about me, spreading lies about Ranger and his men. I will lay your shit bare, and just remember who has more to lose, Joe."

After that she walks away without a second glance. Leaving me on the ground looking like an ass again.

I have one more hope in making her see reason, one more person who can force her to come back to me. Because Stephanie does belong to me.

Damn, I think my nose is broken.

_A/N: This is where the muse led me. I think Joe is a jerk, but I don't think is out right violent. I think he has a sense of entitlement, so as much as this chapter didn't go as dark as I thought it would, I am satisfied with how it came out. _

_Thanks again for all of your reviews, I have been getting great ideas from them and it is helping me keep the story moving. _


	8. Chapter 8

Better than myself Part 8

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

Jason's POV

How do you tell your wife that you suspect your father of abusing your son? I don't know how as parents we are supposed to handle this? Camille is an amazing woman; she is a loving mother, a fabulous lawyer and still manages to run this house like a well oiled machine. She is my best friend in the entire world. I know our marriage is not typical, she has always known I was gay, probably even before I was ready to admit it. Even with that knowledge, she is committed to our family and our friendship. I have told her for years that she needs to find love, true all encompassing love. But she says that she is content with what we share. I have found that love, a love that does not require me to change my life for him, he respects my family. Hell, he is practically part of our family; I just want her to find love also. I don't want to lose her, but I want the best for her. Because I love her and you always want the best for those you love.

I find Cami in the kitchen, cooking something that smells wonderful, humming under her breath. I don't want to ruin her mood, but I have spent too much time denying and avoiding the truth. I won't let my son live in hell, just because I don't want to face anything.

"Cami, we need to talk." I know that is never the best beginning to any conversation.

She sits at the kitchen island, I start to tell her that Thomas abused Ricky for years; I don't know any real details. But from what I was able to piece together, from the time Ricky was born until he was 14 years old, Thomas beat and molested Ricky. I never knew what went on in our house, I never wanted to know. I am finally admitting to her how Ricky was treated. I have never told her why exactly we never saw him, why he never came around for holidays. I never admitted that I knew he was verbally abused, how he was fed different meals than the rest of us, lived in a separate part of the house than Arielle and myself. That if Ricky was going somewhere with us as a family, which was very rare, that we took the older van, because Thomas didn't think that Ricky deserved the nicer car. That Thomas never called him by his name, only that boy or that spic. That is only the things that I witnessed firsthand, and now I know I what I knew, which would be horrible for any child to endure, didn't even scratch the surface.

"Jason, that is awful, I see why Ricky didn't attend the funeral. But why are you telling me this now? Did something else happen to Ricky?"

This is what I am dreading, I don't want to tell her, I don't want to face this. Time for me to man up.

"Camille, I am worried about all of the time JJ has spent with Thomas, you know they are very close. And knowing what I know now, I am afraid."

I can tell by the look in her eyes as soon as she figures out what I am trying to say. I want to hold her, but she waves me off.

"Jason, do you really think that your father, JJ's grandfather, would do that to him?"

I want to tell her no, but after what he did to Ricky and how proud and unrepentant he sounded. I wouldn't put it past him.

"I don't know Camille, but we have to ask him."

She stands up and sits back down, several times, so full of indecision. I feel guilty, because my ignorance might have caused or allowed the most horrible thing to happen.

I never asked or tried to talk to Ricky about his childhood. Ricky would never bring up anything in the past. Our relationship, as little as it was, was based in the present. I think he had to do that in order not to hate me. I would hate me. I lived a charmed life compared to his, and I never questioned anything. I never stuck up for him; I never tried to comfort him. I just believed Father when he said that Ricky wanted to run with the gangs and deal drugs, more than he wanted to live with us. That was the truth, but I never tried to find out why. But Ricky was so scary and angry all of the time. For years you couldn't approach him without him flying off into a rage. Then the older he got, he just shut down and stopped talking to us at all. I didn't push him, I didn't want to deal with him, I honestly didn't know how. I failed him, but I won't fail my son.

I grab Camille's hand and we walk up the stairs together to JJ's room. My little 10 year old ball of energy is actually sitting down, playing a video game, and wearing the 'ARMY' hat that Ricky sent him.

We sit on his bed and motion for him to sit next to us. He plops down in the way only kids do and looks at us. Cami starts telling him how much we love him and he and his sister are the most important people in the world to us. That we will love him no matter what he does or whatever happens to him. But please don't lie.

"Mom, I know, I love you, too. Are we done? I want to finish this game, Mike is online, too."

She looks to me; I guess it is my turn to speak.

"It's about Grandpa; I need to ask you a very important question. Has Grandpa ever hurt you? Has he ever touched you?"

His entire expression changes, all of a sudden it is like looking directly into Ricky's eyes. That is all the answer I need.

_A/N: My muse led me here. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. _

_I have plans for the POV's that I was given suggestions for in the next few chapters. _

_Reviews always make me happy, keep them coming. _


	9. Chapter 9

Better than myself Part 9

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

Valerie's POV

Mom called again and demanded our presence at dinner. When I complain how much work it is to get us all ready to go out. I hear, "Patty Lewandowski's daughter has 6 kids and they go to dinner at her parent's at least twice a week." So of course I cave and go, I can't stand to be the one she is harping on. I always cave; it is so much easier when I do.

Now, I am trying to bundle everyone up into the van, I hope it starts. Then I have to drive across town to pick up Albert, because we cannot afford another car and drive all the way to my parents. My life is just full of unwanted trips and doing things because I am supposed to, not because I want to. That is Stephanie's role in the family, she does whatever she wants and "Damn the Torpedoes". I wonder if she is back, her little disappearing act caused quiet the stir in the 'Burg. I don't get much gossip lately, I just didn't have time. We just got the phone turned back on the other day, so I am out of the loop.

Sometimes I want to hate Steph, because of all the attention she gets. Then I remember how well I know my sister and I know that the price for the attention she gets is sometimes too high for her. I do have days of jealousy, two of the hottest men in Trenton are practically begging for her and all I get is Albert. I love Albert, but he is no Joe Morelli. I am glad of that in the long run though, I think the Joe Morelli fantasy, is much better than the reality.

That is when all the hate and jealousy I have for Stephanie, just turns into shame. Sleeping with Joe Morelli was the worst thing I have ever done. I was just so lonely and Albert is just so Albert. And here was Joe, coming around, bringing me lunch from Pino's or donuts from the Tasty Pastry (things that we can't afford right now). Seducing me with his tight jeans, cocky smile, telling me everything a woman wants to hear-how he should have chosen me and not Stephanie, and that I have always been the prettier sister.

I know that he was just trying to sweet talk me out of my pants and for information on Steph, both of which I readily gave to him. I was so dumb, thinking he would keep his promises. He just used me for leverage against Steph, and I gave him all he could ask for and more. Secrets that a sister should never tell.

I told him about the miscarriage after he left for the Navy. How Steph didn't know she was pregnant when she went rock climbing with Mary Lou. When Steph regained consciousness after the fall, there was no more baby. Mom of course yelled and screamed about how she was a no good slut, because only sluts got pregnant out of wedlock at 16. And that she was a murder, because she probably fell on purpose.

Mom would not let it go, every chance she got she was calling Stephanie a murder and a whore, telling her that murders and whores rot in hell. One morning, Stephanie took all of the pills in the medicine cabinet, Grandma Mazur found her on the floor in the bathroom. She was so cold and unresponsive; we thought we had lost her. She had to stay in the hospital for 2 days, but then they released her into the families care. Yeah, mom cared for her alright.

After that failed attempt, Steph just stopped eating with us as a family, we didn't know at first that she just stopped eating altogether. Until someone noticed then she would eat so much that she would throw up. This continued for months, suicide attempts and hospitalizations until Daddy couldn't take it anymore. He was afraid he was going to lose her anyway and had her committed.

Oh, did Mom have a field day with that… saying that Steph was just looking for attention. Other people's daughters don't throw up perfectly good food.

The last serious conversation I had with Steph was that she was managing it and I know when she worked at E.E. Martin, she was still seeing a therapist. I don't know what she is doing now.

This is the information I freely gave to Joe Morelli for fifteen minutes of pleasure. This is why as much as I want to hate Steph, I can't because she should or would hate me more.

I finally pull up to my parents and there is one of those black Rangeman SUV's parked out front. I wonder if Steph is driving it or if she brought Ranger.

We walk in and she has Tank with her. I remember his name because Mary Alice has a small crush on him. Mary Alice is a good judge of people, so if M.A. likes him, he is probably good people.

I catch, the middle of Mom's usual rant, then I hear something I wasn't expecting. Stephanie moved out of her apartment and into the Rangeman building. I am cheering for her; I never thought she would allow herself to choose who would be best for her.

Mom is practically foaming at the mouth, "How could you choose that thug over Joseph? Joseph is willing to marry you, have a family with you, despite you killing his first child."

I hear Steph's sharp intake of breath, but she doesn't speak.

"He has told me he can forgive you and wants to try again. We have discussed it and I think I agree with Joe, you are becoming a danger to yourself again. Your behavior is not that of a sane person. Maybe you need to be committed again. A rational person wouldn't make the choices you are making."

Stephanie looks to Tank like she is looking for support. He just does that little nod.

"Mother, I have spoken with my own lawyer, you cannot have me committed because you don't like the choices I am making. Daddy did what he did because I was hurting myself, all I am hurting now is your precious reputation.

You want me with Joe Morelli, so bad! Why, because of his high moral standing, because of what a loving husband he would be? Mom, the things that you don't know about Joe would make your hair stand on end. Someone told me, that no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. Well, I am done letting you. I will not set another foot in this house until you start respecting me and my choices."

She turns to walk away, but mom grabs her and starts screaming. "I will not have you embarrass our name by living with and doing God knows what with all of those men. Joseph has told me all about what you are doing with those men. I didn't raise you like that, look at Valerie, she is married with children. Everything a perfect wife and mother should be. That is how I raised you."

"Mother, go to hell, Val isn't perfect either, but I love her too much too tell you how I know."

And she looks pointedly at me; I look away because I can tell she knows about Joe and me.

Mom raises her hand to slap Steph, but Steph grabs her hand and says in a quiet voice, "that will also never happen again."

Steph then turns and walks out of the house, Tank follows without a word. I tune out Mom's continued yelling and as I look out the door I see Stephanie practically collapse against Tank.

Why am I feeling like my sister will never be the same Steph again? I just have a feeling that today is just the start of some big changes coming.

_A/N: My muse must know I have the day off tomorrow; she would not let me sleep without finishing this chapter. Since I finished it, I will post it. _

_Thanks for everyone suggestions and reviews, some of them are slowly making it into my story. They always help when I am unsure of the exact direction. _

_Thanks again, I look forward to more feedback. _


	10. Chapter 10

Better than myself Part 10

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

Eddie Gazarra's POV

I am still trying to process everything Stephanie told me about Joe. Everyone was fooled into thinking he was a great cop, a great, but misguided boyfriend and a good guy.

I could tell from the way Steph was telling me, that she didn't really want to do this to him. I think she was at the end of her rope with Morelli and this was her last resort. Joe just wasn't taking the hint, he wouldn't take no for an answer. She told him that she was done with him so many times, but he wasn't listening.

He tried to influence her family into having her committed, like she was crazy because she chose someone else. I might not understand her choice, but it doesn't mean she shouldn't be able to make one. He started digging into Ranger's past, trying to contact his family for any information they would share with him. All he found while digging there was a sealed juvy record and the recent death of his mother, which wasn't any kind of information to spread around, but he told everyone. Researching Rangeman and trying to find out where all the money and the cars came from, even going as far as trying to get the DEA involved, and getting so pissed when they told him that Ranger is untouchable. And that anymore digging could constitute a breach in homeland security.

He has been showing up every place that Steph as went, just trying to get a second alone with her. All of Ranger's men have 'talked' to him, but he wouldn't give up.

I have tried to sit him down and tell him he just needs to take the break up like a man. He is not the first man to be dumped and won't be the last. But he keeps insisting that she has been brainwashed and being held against her will. From what I have heard around town, Ranger has been gone for almost a month now. So whatever decisions Steph is making, it looks like she is making them on her own.

Before my chat with Steph, I was going to tell him that all he was succeeding in doing is ruining his career, his reputation and driving her further away. But now with the information I have, his career is ruined anyway. He is going to lose his freedom and everything he holds dear.

Bobby just dropped off the entire file Rangeman has on him. It just backs up all of the things that Stephanie told me and even more.

_Videos of him accepting money from the Grizolli family and meeting with Terry. (There is no way of being partially in bed with the mob)_

_Sex while on the clock with hookers from Stark Street, he could have had an entire file from just the times he did that. _

_He was pictured at several illegal underground gambling games._

_Busting drug dealers, but only turning in half of the drugs found. He passed the rest to the "families" for a percentage of the profits. _

I am shocked by all he has done, by all of the evidence that Rangeman had on him, they must have been following him for a long time. I wonder how long Stephanie has known and why she kept going back, if she knew he was this dirty.

There will be no way for Joe to sweet talk his way out of this. He was operating with zero moral code. We swore to uphold the law, but he was just spitting in the eye and laughing and everyone who considered him a friend on the force.

How is the public supposed to trust and support the police, if one of their most celebrated and decorated officer is also one of the dirtiest? How would they not think that we all aren't like that? The phrase one bad apple spoils the bunch is especially true in these cases.

Now my only debate is if I want to wake up the Chief at this time of night. But I know that Joe needs to be off of the streets now, before he does anything else and causes anymore damage.

I call the Chief and he tells me to come over now. It only takes me 15 minutes to get there and a half hour later there is a warrant issued for Joe Morelli's arrest.

As most of the Trenton PD arrives at the station, no one wants to be the one to execute the warrant. We are all standing around looking like we just lost our best friend. And I think most of us did.

Finally Robin Russell step up and says that she will do it. I am not sure that was the best thing, I know some of Robin and Joe's history, but at least it gets the ball rolling. No one is going to let Robin go alone, so it is quickly decided that Carl will go with her to pick up Joe.

The arrest goes without a hitch, he doesn't resist at all. He just goes quietly and sits in the holding cell. Everyone, me included, was expecting him to fly into a rage, to show his typical Morelli temper, but nothing. The quiet is more disconcerting. He doesn't ask for a lawyer, he just asks for Stephanie.

I call her and ask her to come up here; she sounds very irritated, but agrees to come. I am not sure what Joe expects to gain from seeing Steph, but he smiles when I tell him that she is coming.

She arrives quickly, with Tank in tow. If I didn't know better, I would think that they were an item. They were practically joined at the hip lately. Something happened to make them so close, but it really isn't my business to pry.

Steph looks tired and not happy to be there, "Are you ready?" I ask. "I don't know what he wants with you, he has been very quiet."

She just sighs and nods, I lead them into the holding area. Joe stands up and says, "Only Cupcake and Eddie, the other one has to leave." Steph just looks over at Tank and he leaves, huh, she has become a master at that non verbal ESP thing that all of Rangeman has.

Joe goes on to try to blame Stephanie for all of his crimes. Telling her he has only ever loved her and everything he has done was to try to earn money because he was not in the financial position to compete with Ranger.

Steph looks at him a long time without speaking and when she finally does speak¸ she asks if the freebies from the girls on Stark Street were because he loved her?

I do agree that none of it really makes sense, it sounds to me like a case, of once you break the small rules, it's just a matter of time before the big ones are next.

Joe is still speaking about how she just tied him up in knots because he KNEW she was cheating on him with so many men. Men don't just do anything for free. She had to be doing something for them in exchange for all of the help she was getting. Doesn't Joe get it, some people are just nice and can just be friends without getting anything in return.

Steph looks sad and says, "Joe, I am sorry it has come to this, I have told you that I take some responsibility in leading you on. But you did this to yourself. I made a choice; all you kept telling me is that I needed to make a choice. So, when I did, you didn't like it and didn't want to accept it. I did what you asked and because you didn't get what you wanted, you told my mother that I needed to be committed. You tried to get my friends arrested; you dug into a backyard you had no business digging in. Do you think all of Trenton needed to know that Ranger's mother just died of cancer?

I told you Joe, you keep screwing with me and mine, and I was going to put your business on the street, since that is how you wanted to handle our break up. I gave you what you forced me to do.

It wasn't a competition, I am not a prize, you never loved me, you just wanted to own me. You never did."

She walks out without a look back.

I watch as Joe sits on the floor, I am looking at a broken man. I think he thought he was invincible, we all did. Once this hits the papers in the morning, everyone will know about the misdeeds of their favorite son.

Things that are done in the dark always have a way of making it into the light.

All I want to do now is go home and hold my wife. Tonight will be the only calm before the coming storm.

_A/N: Well this is where I was led. I hope everyone likes Joe's comeuppance. As always any feedback or suggestion is adored. Thanks everyone for encouraging me, your encouragement is helping this story move right along. It is getting closer to Ranger coming home! _


	11. Chapter 11

Better than myself Part 11

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would steal them if I could, just to make Stephanie make a choice.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

I knew that Joe getting arrested would be huge news. I guess I was naive to think that he could get arrested and I could be left out of it. I was so wrong. I had to change my cell phone number because the calls from everyone from the 'Burg was overwhelming. I was still known as his girlfriend and there were reporters every time I went out. Thank God for the Merry Men, having a couple massive, intimidating guys, dressed completely in black with me when I left, usually kept them away. I know everyone wants me to talk; everyone wants me to make a statement. Some want me to say it isn't true, that Joe would never be capable of what he is being accused of, and some just want the gossip of what I knew and how long I knew it.

I will never make a statement; I will not talk about it to anyone not in these walls. No one really wants to know the truth anyway. They just want to be the one with the gossip. Like Lula said, having gossip makes you a celebrity in Trenton. I am not interesting in boosting anyone's celebrity status. The whole thing is very painful, not just the fact that Joe did those things, but the fact that I knew about it for awhile and did and said nothing.

I always knew something wasn't quite right. I just couldn't fully trust him, so I couldn't commit to him. We never had unprotected sex, because as much as he said he was faithful, my "spidey sense" didn't believe it.

When I asked Ranger to have him followed and to keep what he was doing completely documented as if he was conducting an investigation. I wasn't sure what would come up, I didn't want him to tell me everything, and I don't think he knew everything, because he passed the job over to Bobby and Hal. I was only informed when Bobby ran across something that he thought would be a health concern for me (hookers, my sister). When he told me about Val, I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to have the confrontation, I didn't want to face that she would betray me.

That is the responsibility for this mess that I will have to take, I was too chicken to call him on his shit and I just let it go on. I think I was living so deep in denial, thinking that it wasn't as bad as I thought and it would blow over. I honestly had no intention of turning him in, even when I broke it off. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I know he was trying to have me committed, and I can deal with attacks on me or on my sanity. It wasn't until I found out he was digging around in Ranger's life that I had to do something. Jason called and told Tank a Detective was calling for information about Ranger. If Joe could find Jason, what would stop him from finding Thomas, and there was no telling what Thomas would say. I couldn't let that happen because of me. But now we are all very unsure on how far into it Joe got before I put a stop to it. He hasn't said anything about Thomas, but Joe hasn't said much and it was making everyone uneasy.

That would be the last thing Ranger would need to come home to. He will have enough going on with trying to get back into his life and merging his old habits with his new ones. Without having to worry, who else knows his deepest secrets.

I still will have to tell him my secrets; at least Tank thinks I should. Dr. Tank, thinks that we need to start our relationship on a clean slate. I know a lot about Ranger and it is only fair that Ranger knows a lot about me. And it would be better to hear it from me, than through some kind of gossip.

I just don't know where I would start. The feelings I have now, I have felt my entire life. The miscarriage just highlighted the problems that were already there. I was binging and purging long before I lost the baby. (Guilt I always have to carry with me, even thought I know it wasn't my fault, it sometimes feels like it). My suicide attempt, wasn't really the first, it just came the closest to being successful. There were times that I took pills and woke up just fine in the morning. It just brought my father into it and I believe he saved my life. I was going downhill so fast, with no fear of death, I don't know what else would have saved me from myself.

Do I need to tell Ranger that I still have occasional issues with food? That when everything in my life seems so out of my hands, food is always the one thing I know I can control. Tank assures me that Ranger will understand that more than I think. I don't see how he would, he doesn't have a problem with food, and he is the healthiest eater I have ever met. Always the same things, the same portions, like an eating machine. I bet he doesn't even think about food other than as fuel.

At least I have this business venture that they want me to be a part of, to keep my mind off of all the craziness swirling around me. I know I want to be a part of it, but I don't think I am really capable of running it. I can help with getting things started and then we will see how it goes. It sounds like the best idea, I know when I was a teenager I was so miserable, but I didn't have anywhere to go to get help, or even just for a small break from the pressures of my life.

I have done a lot of research and come up with a list of ideas for "Arielle's Place" (that's the working title). I have even found a few investors. I just need to figure out where we want to open it. I think that is the biggest sticking point until Ranger returns. I don't want to stay here, Tank doesn't want to stay here and Ella says that she will follow wherever Ranger goes, so we need to know if he wants to stay here. No one can answer that for him. Tank is sure that the only reason Rangeman headquarters is here is because Ranger didn't want to leave me. But I can't believe that.

I wonder if Tank will want to go, now that he has a girlfriend. He says he doesn't and won't give up any details, except that she is a lawyer. But they speak at least once a day, and he is always in a great mood after he talks to her. Hmm I think Tankie has found someone new. I won't make him talk until he is ready, but if he has I am happy for him. Lula doesn't deserve anymore of his heart. She obviously didn't value what she had. Her loss would be this mystery woman's gain.

I am waiting for Ella and Tank now, we eat dinner together almost every night, and it is nice to have a family. I hope Ranger will feel part of this when he gets back. I think we all need it.

_A/N: Not too heavy for this chapter. I think the last two were heavy enough. Thanks for all of your reviews and suggestions. I have some ideas about what will happen when Ranger returns, but I am a little stuck on how healed he should be. So any suggestions on that would be great. _


	12. Chapter 12

Better than myself Part 12

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

Tank's POV

The call comes right when I expected, of course he gives us only a few hours warning, just a quick call to pick him up from the airport. He doesn't ask, Ranger just gives orders. I do wonder why he is asking me and not Steph. However, he isn't on the phone long enough for me to ask him.

As I am headed to pick him up, I think about all of the changes that have happened since he left. I wonder if the short drive from the airport will be enough to fill him in. Some things are not my story to tell, I know Steph will have a lot of her own stories for him. I hope she decides to come clean with her tale; it will only bring them closer.

I question if I will be able to tell if there is something different about him on sight. I hope so, because he needed this, I was not going to bury my best friend. And that was the only way I was envisioning the path he was on ending.

There he is, he looks like he lost a little muscle mass. But that is good; he is back to this normal size, not that crazy size he got to in the past few months. He gets in the truck; I am not sure what to say.

"Hey, Tank. Report." But he says it with a small smile. Okay, I can handle this- I begin to tell him about Lula, our break up and the bonds office.

"Sorry man, I thought she was a good one. I am glad to hear that Steph stuck up for herself. How did we handle Vinnie?"

I explain that we haven't really. I didn't want to get out of the contract without talking to him. I didn't want to lose that much revenue without another plan.

"True, but we got to get out of there, if he can't be loyal to his own family, then he can't be loyal to us. We don't owe him anything. I know you have a plan, but we can get into it later."

The next part has him sitting up a little straighter. Joe Morelli is in jail. I knew Ranger was aware of all the dirt that Morelli was doing, I thought that Trenton's favorite son would never be caught. I explain that Joe plans to plead guilty and hasn't asked for a lawyer. But he has asked to speak to him. I don't tell him that Stephanie helped put him there, that part is hers to tell.

Ranger actually looks shocked, or as shocked as Ranger can look. He wants to go to the jail first, figures that is a good place to start as any. Take your sour before your sweet. Speaking of sweet, he hasn't asked about Stephanie, I think he is afraid that Steph changed her mind about where she would be staying.

We ride in silence until we reach the police station. Morelli is still being held in lock up; no one wants to put him in the general population. Cops don't fare wall in general population, especially in the same city where they worked. He probably will have to leave New Jersey after sentencing.

We walk in and I ask for Eddie, I know Ranger will stay quiet because he is unsure of the entire story. Eddie comes out slowly and says that he will take us to an interrogation room without cameras. They don't need any more information from Morelli because he is going to plead guilty. And whatever he wants to talk about is personal. Eddie looks at us and says, "Don't make me regret this, no beating him, no killing him." I just nod, I am not sure I want to make that promise. But killing him in the station would be a lot of paperwork. He leads us to a room in the back. It takes a few minutes for a shackled Morelli to be brought to us.

We all sit down and no one speaks for a bit. Ranger and I are perfectly prepared to wait this out, but we don't have to wait long. Morelli leans forwards and starts to speak.

"Manoso, I guess you won. You got the girl and I am in jail. Not the way I envisioned this. I can't even fight for her from here. I don't think the best man won, but you got her. Remember, that she will always be mine. I was there first. She will always belong to me. I hope you can live with winning by default. She would have eventually forgiven me for all of my indiscretions, she always did. But this is not why I called you here.

I have been trying to dig up any information on you for a long time. It was hard finding your family; I couldn't find anything until I found your name in your mother's obituary. You don't share the name with anyone that is "related" to you. "

Ranger takes a deep breath when Morelli mentions his mother's death, but I know he will wait to react.

"I finally got a hold of your brother, who refused to talk to me. Then I got in contact with your step-father."

I wonder what that bastard told Morelli. This could be bad, Morelli wouldn't hesitate to tell as many people as he can any lowdown he could find on Ranger.

Ranger just nods at Morelli to continue.

"He had quite the tale to tell about your childhood and how you were an unwanted bastard child, who ran away from home when you were 16. After that he went on and on about so many horrible things that he did to you.

I can't stand you Manoso, I think you are a thug, a mercenary not fit to share the same space with Stephanie or really anyone. But I want you to know that I am not going to repeat what I was told. I know all about having an asshole for a father. The things he told me, if they were true, made me sick. He is more dangerous than you could ever be. I just wanted you to know that he has loose lips. I am surprised that he has not been handled already."

Ranger finally speaks, "I think I finally will be able to handle him. Thanks Morelli, I don't like you either, but thanks for staying quiet."

They actually shake hands and we leave the cop shop. We make it to the truck and Ranger looks at me and says,

"That was decent of Morelli – but we have to handle Thomas soon, he is still unclear who he is dealing with."

He sounds low and dangerous, I agree, Thomas' luck may have just ran out.

As soon as I open the door, I hear Lula, "Tank, Tank."

Fucking great. I turn to look at her. "You have been hiding from me, but I knew you couldn't hide forever. We gots things to talk about.." She puts her hand on my arm and I shrug it away.

"Lula, I told you we were through, what else is left to say?"

"Pierre, it was a misunderstanding, I love you, we are good together."

She is going to make me do this here. I was trying not to have to do this again.

"Lula, we were good together, until I found out you only care about Lula. You had a better time spreading lies about my family, then you ever did with me. I cannot be with anyone who has no loyalty and no respect."

I turn to get into the truck, when she screams –

"YOU ARE PICKING RANGER AND THAT WHITE BITCH OVER ME!"

If she was a man, I would deck her for her disrespect, but she is not, so I can't. So, I respond.

"Yup, right now I would pick Joyce over you. At least with Joyce, you know where you stand. I would rather deal with an honest 'ho than a lying one. "

She looks shocked, but we get into the car and drive off.

Ranger says, "I know that was hard for you, if you still love her, I will stand by your choice."

"Nope, it was hard at first, but I don't trust her and love without trust is nothing." He nods, because he has been there.

We don't talk until we arrive at Haywood. He jumps out of the truck and says he is tired and wants to get some rest before seeing the rest of the guys. We get into the elevator and I hit the button for seven. I tell him that rest is good, but we will be up for dinner at 6:30, we wouldn't want to change our routine.

"Our?"

Then the elevator opens and Steph is standing in front of the apartment. I always knew Ranger moved fast, but he is kissing her before I can blink. I just let the elevator doors close and scramble the cameras. The kiss he is giving her could melt the paint off a house, I hope they make it inside the apartment.

_A/N: This is where we are, I am glad Ranger is home, I like writing him best. _

_Thank everyone for their reviews and suggestions about Ranger's well being. We will get more into that in the next couple chapters. _

_Reviews are like candy... I love them. _


	13. Chapter 13

Better than myself Part 13

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE.

Disclaimer: for language and subject matter

Ranger's POV

Seeing my Babe waiting for me was nothing short of amazing. I didn't want to get my hopes up about the changes she promised that she was going to make. It wasn't that I doubted her; I just knew how hard it would be for her to break free from her life. And I had no doubt that in choosing me she would be leaving some of her life behind.

When I finally walk into the apartment, I notice all of the subtle changes that prove to me that she is living there. Rex is sitting on the counter, her shoes are in the middle of the floor, and there are magazines on the coffee table. Things that I will have to get used to, because I like order, but I kind of love it. It actually looks like a home here. I ask her if she is really living here, she nods. I just start kissing her again, leading her to the couch. After a long time of kissing, she stops and says, as much as she wants to continue this, Ella and Tank will be here soon for dinner. I raise an eyebrow; she smiles and explains that they have been eating dinner together as a family, almost every night since I left. Dinner, I can do that. I missed seeing the people I love.

I go and shower all of the travel off of me, by the time I am done, they are sitting around the table, waiting. I hug Ella and whisper "Hi, mamá" in her ear. She hugs me back, "Welcome home, hijo." I sit and look around the table. Ella has been busy; she has made something different to suite everyone's taste. Steak and potatoes for Tank, something covered in cheese for Steph and herself and steamed fish and veggies for me. I have added some red meat and carbs to my diet since I have been away. I will have to let her know that at least twice a week I can enjoy the same things that Tank would like. I haven't been able to introduce much cheese or greasy foods, so no eating with Steph yet.

Dinner is great; I never really ate at a family dinner. Growing up I usually ate with Ella or in my bedroom. It was relaxing just to take time to talk with the people who are most important to me. I feel like I am part of the family that they have created while I was gone. It was also a way to get updated on the changes in Trenton while I was away. I know that there is so much I don't know. But I will catch up, I always do and I have been gone longer than this before. We are talking and laughing until bed time. Tank leaves first saying he has a call to make, with a smile. Hmmm. I will have to ask him about that. That smile could only mean a woman. Ella leaves after she starts the dishwasher with another hug. I promise that we will talk more later, and she nods explaining that we do have some important things to discuss.

I am worn out, so I hope I can sleep without the medication. I haven't gotten through an entire night without it yet, it is part of my outpatient plan, to slowly wean me away from needing them to sleep. But I am not ready to tell Stephanie. I hope with the traveling and talking, I will just fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. She comes out of the bedroom, with her face scrubbed clean and in my t-shirt. She looks delicious, I know we can't just jump into sex, we have a lot to talk about first, but I want her. She curls up next to me and we kiss for a long time. When I hear her breathing even out, I know she is asleep. I try to get comfortable, but sleep is not coming, my brain starts running a mile a minute.

_How do I feel about my Mother being gone, I knew it would happen while I was away, but it hurts to know she died without ever loving me. _

_What if Stephanie only loved the idea of me, what if now that I am Batman unmasked, it isn't what she wants?_

_Or what if I was just the exciting forbidden fruit and now that I am not competing with Joe, she will find someone more acceptable to settle down with? _

_Does everyone expect me to be a different person now? Were there certain expectations they had on me while I was in treatment, what if I don't meet them? _

_Did I lock the door? The bedroom door is open, I can't sleep like that. _

I get up to close the door and look back at Steph, she looks so peaceful and I feel what? Afraid, nervous, unworthy. I know I have to just let myself feel. But…

The next thing I know I am in the gym. I start punching the bag, I am at it for about 10 minutes and I stop. I start to calm down, I can do this and I need to go back up. I was warned that it would be so easy to slip back into my old habits. At least it was only 10 minutes and not 3 hours. I can work out, but that isn't what this was about. This was me running. I know that if I can't sleep, I need to stay in bed or take the medicine, not run away.

I make my way back to seven and try to go in quietly. I don't want to wake Stephanie, she would just worry. And there she is on the couch.

"Hey" as I sit next to her on the couch. She looks over at me; I can't read her expression, "Why did you leave? Where did you go?" Another hurdle I have to climb, I need to be honest with her. "I can't always sleep. I have meds from the hospital, but I didn't want to have to take them my first night back. I usually just go to the gym when I can't sleep."

"I didn't know you couldn't sleep, why? And you were only gone for 15 minutes, why didn't you stay?"

More honesty - all honesty feels like is a lot of talking.

"I feel so defenseless at night, I can't protect myself if I am asleep and sometimes I can't get my brain to shut off long enough to rest. As to why I didn't stay, because I have other things to help me get through the night. I need to try those, but old habits die hard. I won't promise it won't happen again, but I am working on it."

Alright, that wasn't that hard. She holds my hand and kisses my knuckles, "I am glad you told me, I thought you would, evade."

I tell her that I wanted to, but in order to let her into my life, I really need to let her in. I know that my evading will only sabotage what we are building.

She looks like she wants to say something, so I nudge her to get her talking. She starts to tell me about her food issues and how when things start to feel out of control, she binges and purges. She has been seeing someone and she has coping mechanisms also, but if we are going to live together, I need to know that it sometimes creeps up before she can get it under control. She doesn't purge as much anymore, but she still has binges.

She looks so small, so ashamed as she tells me. Like I would never understand. I can make her feel a little better though, I explain my food regimen that I only eat certain quantities of certain things because it is another thing I can control. If she hadn't noticed, I am a control freak. I can't tell her that I will relax all of my control, but I need to let some of it go, I can't continue to live such a disciplined existence. Sometimes the best things in life happen by chance and I smile at her.

Aren't we the pair?

"Let's go to bed, Babe. I am still off-line, we can sleep in." I go to take one of my pills and we go to bed.

_A/N: Thanks for all of your reviews. This is just one hurdle they are overcoming, by slowly learning each other's habits. I hope this journey into Ranger's mind was satisfying. _

_Again as always, I love reviews….. Thanks everyone for reading. _


	14. Chapter 14

Better than myself Part 14

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Mary Lou's POV 

Stephanie hasn't called me back; I know she is holed up in Rangeman trying to avoid reporters and all of the 'Burg gossip. I just wish she would to let me know how she is doing. I might not understand or agree with all of her choices, but she will always be my best friend.

I never thought Joe Morelli deserved her, I don't understand why the entire neighborhood expected them to get married. He was still a Morelli man, with all that entails. He might have talked a good game and filled out a nice pair of jeans, but he still was a lying, cheating Morelli man. I never could figure out why or how she ended up with him. He never treated her well, from the time we were kids. The topper for me was how he fucked her (I know crude, but that is what he did), broadcasted it to the entire world, and then left without a second glance. Leaving her at the very least with a horrible reputation, that she could not shake for the rest of high school. But then when she had the miscarriage, we found out everything he left her with.

Even with his misdeeds, he was charming enough to sweet talk his way back into her bed. I know it is because she never thought that she deserved to be treated with respect and she doesn't have the self confidence to demand it. Her mother had her almost convinced that no other man would ever want her. I don't understand how she believed that, look at her, she is beautiful. Thank God she fell for Ranger; he made her want more, I so hope he can help her see that she is so much better than she thinks she is.

I hear a knock at my back door; I wonder who would be back there? I look out and see Stephanie standing there. I wonder why she is in the back and not the front, I open the door and she rushes in, out of breath. I ask her what is wrong; she puts up one finger and bends over gasping for air. She pants, that she just ran out of a meeting with Tank and Ranger. Literally it seems. She ran and came straight to me; she is starting to look a little frantic.

Good timing, Lenny and the kids are out until dinner time, I have time to talk and maybe calm her down. God knows that could be a full time job. Love her, but sometimes she is just so, so, Stephanie, that I want to grab her and shake her, or maybe slip her something, to mellow her out a little. I grab some lemonade and sit her down. This is not an ice cream situation, but lemonade always seems to have enough sugar to calm her down. (Note to Ranger) She takes a long drink and gets right to the point.

"Tank and Ranger want to me start and run a group home or safe house for kids! To come up with the idea, location, name and find the staff! Everything with Ranger's money. A lot of money! I blow up cars, I can't do anything like that, I can't do anything!"

As she puts her head down on the table, she starts breathing like she is trying to keep from crying. I hate that she thinks so little of herself. If I could have just five minutes alone with Helen Plum, I would tell her what I think of her parenting. She should write a book "How to screw up your kids, for dummies". Because if she was going for the best way to screw up your kids, she would at least win an honorable mention. And don't think that Val is perfect, she looks like she is, but I know the truth. Val thinks all she can be is a wife and a mother. Not that that is a bad thing, but I chose this life, I know there are other things I can do and I don't need to keep having babies to keep myself feeling useful. And poor Steph, because she isn't following the mold, she thinks she is a failure.

"Stephanie Plum, look at me. Okay, don't look, but you need to listen. Ranger is a smart, successful businessman. He obviously isn't hurting for money, people don't get that way for making bad decisions. Do you think he would give you money, put his name on something, just to watch it and you fail?"

She shakes her head, but still doesn't look up. "Don't you have a business degree? Weren't you at the top of your class? Don't you think Ranger knows all this?"

She nods again and her breathing has calmed down. "I bet you have a ton of ideas, if I know you, you have notebooks full of great ideas."

She finally looks up, "I had all of these amazing ideas, when I thought I was just going to help get it started and turn it over to someone else to run. But he wants me to be in charge, the same way he is in charge of Rangeman. I can't be in charge, I am not even in charge of my life."

"Steph, honey, from what I hear, you have been taking control of your life, you stood up to Lula and Connie, you publicly dumped Joe, you walked out on your mother and amazingly you gave up your apartment. By doing all of these things you are taking charge. I think this sounds like a real career for you, something you have talked about since we were kids. And who better to work on it with than the person you love."

"I am taking charge aren't I? I am trying to build my own life. I chose Ranger, regardless of what anyone says. I did go to school because I wanted to do something and this will be something meaningful. Mar, I can do this can't I? It isn't like I would be out there alone, I would have partners for help and advice. I can do this."

She starts smiling, then her expression changes to one of dread. "SHIT! I ran out on Ranger, I said I wouldn't give into the flight part of my fight or flight mode and I did it!"

Banging her head on the table again, as the door bell rings. It's Ranger, I wonder how they do that, she thought of him, the exact time he showed up. It is sweet, in a creepy way. Now, I know I am a happily married woman and he is in love with my best friend, but that man is sex on a stick. He asks if he can come in, I notice that he doesn't ask if she is here. He just knows, Steph says he always knows. He struts over to her (because the man doesn't just walk) and puts his hand on the back of her neck. "Babe"

I can't tell from that one word if he is angry or amused. She looks at him and starts to apologize. He puts a finger on her lips and shakes his head, "Not needed, I know old habits die hard, just try not to do it during meetings anymore." He gives her a set of keys and says that there is a car waiting for her when she is ready to come home. Not demanding that she come with him now, he doesn't look mad or raise his voice. He leaves with a reminder of dinner at 6:30 and that she wouldn't want to miss it, because he is eating carbs today. They both chuckle at what must be a private joke. He kisses her, nods at me and like smoke he is gone. Oh, I know I just thought this, but that man is a walking orgasm.

I sit back down, "Okay, I have you for at least two more hours. Fill me in on what's been going on, I know the stories I have heard, second hand I might add, have been wrong."

We start talking about Lula and her mom and what it felt like to leave her apartment behind. I love this girl; I will miss her every day when she leaves Trenton. She hasn't said, but to have the life and the marriage (you can see in their eyes that they are going to get married one day) that she deserves, they will have to go. No one will ever just let them live here.

_A/N: I am at my muse's whim, I am really enjoying this process and I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. A little bit of light before more pain. Always love your reviews and suggestions, keep them coming. _


	15. Chapter 15

Better than myself Part 15

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes

Ella's POV 

Wonderful, that is the only way to describe Carlos' return. I can tell he is still struggling, but he is trying. This is really all anyone can ask for.

That is why I have been hesitant to speak with him about JJ. I know he loves him and will take what has happened as a failure. I don't think Carlos could have done anything but what he had done. I know what it is like to not be able to see past your own pain.

Jason has been calling and I know that JJ needs to talk to the one person that will understand his hurt. The timing of this conversation was critical to me, Stephanie is napping on seven, Tank is working in his office on five and Carlos has a therapy appointment this afternoon. I wanted to make sure every bit of support that he has is available.

I call Carlos and ask him to come up to my apartment. I never ask him to come up here, so I know he is going to know something is up.

He walks in and gives me a hug, which is one of the most welcome changes, at least on my part. He isn't shying away from my touch and even initiating some of them. I can sometimes see the struggle, but he is working through it.

I invite him in and give him the green tea I had waiting. I stall a little by telling him about the funeral He looks surprised that I went. I remind him that she was my best friend for years before she betrayed me. That is who I wanted to say good-bye to, my best friend. He explains that he is not sure how he should feel. He feels sad, but she had never really been a part of his life. I tell him to there are no rules on feelings, it is okay if he wants to mourn the mother he wishes he had. He looks thoughtful, and then nods.

Time for me to jump in and just get this over with, "I have been keeping in close contact with Jason and Camille, there has been some disturbing news about JJ and they are hoping you can help."

I know Carlos doesn't like his news gentle, "They think or suspect that Thomas has been molesting JJ."

He shuts down, not the open face he has had since he returned, the expression on his face reminds me of how he always looked before he enlisted. Angry and dangerous. "How long?" he says it so low I barely can hear him. "They don't know, JJ will not say much, he is only answering yes or no questions."

He takes out his phone; I know he is going to call Tank. I need him to slow down for a second. I take his phone and he just looks at me.

"I know you want to go and take care of Thomas. I will not stop you from that, but you can't shut down yet. I know you will have to in order to give Thomas what I know he deserves. But there is also a little boy who needs you, Carlos. Not Ranger. He needs the man who has been where he is and lived to tell about it. The man who knows JJ needs help now, so he doesn't spend the next fifteen years punishing himself for crimes that were committed against him. You have to let yourself feel that in order to help."

He leans back on the couch and stares at the ceiling. "How can I tell JJ that it will be okay, when I am still hoping it can be? Ella, l am feeling a little better, more in touch with myself and with others, but the hell I had to walk through to get here. I am trying everyday not to run from the feelings. There are still days where I think the pain will swallow me whole, there are still days I want it to."

He takes a deep breath, "You know that I am going to take care of Thomas, my way, right? I am not going to hide that from you."

I nod, because at this point, if I thought I could take care of him, I would do it myself. He is a monster that doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as children.

Carlos keeps talking, I don't know if he is just thinking out loud or he really wants me to hear this. He is telling me about the years he spent confused about his sexuality, how he thought because what Thomas did and how it made him feel, that meant he was gay. How it took him years to realize that there was a difference between the things his body could enjoy, and the things he really wanted. He never wanted JJ or anyone else to go through that pain. And says he will do anything to make sure JJ knows he didn't do anything wrong. It was nothing that JJ did and it doesn't matter if he didn't fight, or if he sought it out sometimes, or if it felt good. It was never his fault.

I am not sure if he is talking about JJ anymore or about himself. But it is good to hear that he is starting to realize that it was not his fault.

He asks me to call Tank and Steph; they need to go to Boston, tonight.

That is another change that I see, he would have either went alone, or took Tank, but just given orders and not had a discussion about it. He has realized that he needs these people around him, these people, including me, that would go to the end of the earth for him.

Tank comes right up, but Steph doesn't answer. Carlos smiles; if she is asleep nothing is going to wake her. I decide to just go get her.

On the elevator ride, I say a prayer, a prayer that the judgment for Thomas is merciless and swift and my kids come back unharmed, physically or emotionally. I am not going to make this trip with them; I will make sure they have everything they need before they go and when they return.

I wake Steph quickly and we head back to my apartment. Tank and Carlos look up. I can tell they have been planning. Carlos goes right to Steph and grabs her hand.

"Babe, Tank and I have to go to Boston and deal with Thomas. He has been doing things to JJ, we need to find out what exactly, but it needs to be dealt with. I wanted to give you the option of coming with us."

She looks at Carlos like he has grown an extra head; of course she is going where he is. He hugs her so tight and makes room for her at the table.

They are making plans to leave, when Carlos' phone beeps. Oh, it is his reminder to go the therapy. He says he would be back in about an hour and leaves.

Tank asks, "How is he holding up, honestly?"

I respond, that I think he will be fine; I now he wants to help JJ and he didn't completely shut me out. He asked for you guys and didn't blow off therapy. I think he can do this. I can tell he is hurting, but that is good, because he is good on hiding the hurt, so he is letting us see and letting himself feel it.

But we will all need to keep an eye on him when you return.

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter… more to come. Thanks for all of the encouragement with this story. It keeps it going. _


	16. Chapter 16

Better than myself Part 15

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes

Tank's POV

I'm in my office, trying to make sure everything is ready for our little overnight visit to Boston. The plane is always fueled; I think that Lester will be our pilot for this trip. I need to be focused on the task at hand and I know Les will not repeat anything he accidently overhears. He doesn't always understand Ranger, but he is family, so he will do anything for him. I am questioning if we are taking the right plan of action. I know that Thomas deserves whatever will happen to him, but is Ranger the one to do it? There has to be a reason that he hadn't done it years ago. I know he has thought about it. I know he is capable of it, even making it look like an accident, so there has to be something that held him back. I hope he figured it out, but if not, I can and will gladly take care of this threat for him. Not just for him, Thomas is like a rabid dog and you know what is done to rabid dogs. They are put down.

Ranger comes into my office, locks to door and takes a seat. He must have just gotten back. This is new, he never comes in here. He usually just calls me to come to him. This must be something.

"Before we leave, I have to thank you. You always have my back and have been doing it for so long, that I don't want you to think I take it for granted. You are my brother, in whatever sense the word means. I would do the same for you.

While I am talking, I know I still need to apologize for leaving those letters for you to find. I know what you thought when you found them and I can't say you were wrong. I am still not clear on my intentions that day. But I know that my death would have crushed you, the same way yours would crush me. I give you my word that will never happen. If I think I am shaky, I will come to you, like I should have that day."

Ranger leans forward and put his arms on his knees, not his normal posture. He doesn't have to thank me, like he said we are brothers. There are no words needed because he would and has done the same for me. He might feel he does all of the taking, but whenever there has been a crisis, he has stepped up. After the death of my parents, I thought I would die too and he was there through the entire thing.

Regarding his suicide plan, because I have to call it like I see it, even though he won't. Yes, his death, especially by his own hand, would kill a part of me. But if he says he will come to me, then I have to trust him. I just look and nod, "No worries, brother."

"But since I have you and we are baring our souls," I snicker a little at that. "I have something to tell you before we get to Boston. "

I knew I had to tell him, to prevent any awkwardness, or any more awkwardness.

I tell him about all of my late night conversations with Camille. I think something is growing between us, but it is early, I am not sure what it is. I know she has feelings for me, but nothing that anyone wants to act on. But I didn't want him to go into the situation completely unaware.

"Cami? Jason's wife? Man. Do you know their situation? You know that she will never leave Jason, no matter what? The marriage is not traditional, but there is love there."

I know I would never ask her to change anything. I don't know what this is, but there is something that draws me to her, I can't explain it. I know you know all about that. I laugh a little.

He doesn't seem angry; I don't know what I expected his reaction to be. It sounds awful, that I am falling for his brother's wife. But it isn't the same as it sounds.

He just explains that he doesn't want me to get hurt. He knows I wanted to marry and start a family with Lula and that isn't something I can have with Camille. He knows that Jason has been with someone else for years. So if we wanted a relationship, it wouldn't be a problem for Jason. If it isn't a problem for Jason, it will never be a problem for him.

Good, that is all I wanted to hear. I am not sure where, if any place this will go, I am glad it will not cause trouble.

I change the subject to JJ, I want to know how he is going to approach JJ and get him to open up. He replies, "I will be as honest as I can and try to get him to tell me exactly what happened. If I tell him some of what happened to me, it might help him open up. I want him to know he is not alone, I know how isolating it feels to have a secret."

Maybe they can help each other.

Next order of business…. Thomas. I ask him if he is going to be able to take care of it, or does he need me to. Ranger's eyes turn to ice; this is the Ranger that I have seen many times on missions. "If he did anything to JJ, he just forfeited his life. It isn't what I am going to do to Thomas; it's what Thomas has ordered up for himself. I let him go for his actions towards me because of the guilt I felt for my part in it, but his actions towards another child will not go unpunished."

That is what I needed to hear and if Steph and I have to work to keep him from shutting down. Then that is what we will do.

_A/N: I am going to take a couple of days to plan to make sure that I give the conversation with Ranger and JJ the attention and sensitivity it deserves. So if there is a longer time before the next couple of chapters, that is why. _

_Thanks for reading and reviewing. There is still a lot more to come. _


	17. Chapter 17

Better than myself Part 17

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes, tissue warning - because I cried when I wrote it.

JJ's POV

I want to be excited that I can hear my Uncle and his friends downstairs with my Mom and Dad. I have always wanted to meet him. We have always spoken on the phone and he sends me the best presents. But he has never actually come here. I hear my parents talking sometimes about how he just doesn't like Boston. I am nervous, Grandpa says he is dangerous and kills people. Bad people, right? Would that include me? I feel like a bad person. Grandpa says Uncle Ranger (that is what he has told me to call him, he hates being called Ricky) will be made because I am now Grandpa's favorite.

I don't want to be the favorite anymore, it scares me and it makes me feel all mixed up inside. I love my Grandpa, I don't want to disappoint him or make him mad. He is very scary when he is mad. He doesn't get mad at me very often, because I know what makes him that way. He hates when I tell him no. So I stopped telling him no. Even thought I am so scared every time he touches me, but I am also scared when he doesn't. I know he shouldn't, I learned about it in school, but it feels good. I don't know, when he doesn't touch me, I am afraid that he has stopped loving me. But I don't like when he does because it makes me feel so bad inside. I am so mixed up. It feels like everything I know is wrong feels good and I just want to disappear.

I always feel; I don't know how to say it, like someone let all of the air out of me. No one knows though, I am great at pretending. At least I used to be. It seems to get harder and harder to hide things. Hard to wash my own sheets, before mom finds them, because I am embarrassed, a 10 year old shouldn't wet the bed. Hard to hide that I am worried about Dad. Isn't it only a matter of time before he starts touching me too? That is what Grandpa says always happens. I know my Dad loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me, but Grandpa says that he loves me, too. Isn't that what you do to people you love. Maybe Dad doesn't love me then?

I am lying on the bed with my hands over my face, when I hear my door open. I don't look up, I just lay perfectly still. Grandpa always says I am a good boy when I don't move, sometimes. I don't hear anything else, and then I hear my chair being moved across the floor. I peak through my hands, Uncle Ranger! He is huge! And is that a gun on his shoulder? I hope he hasn't come to kill me, but then if he has, I wouldn't be so scared anymore.

Uncle Ranger calls my name, I know he wants me to look at him, I don't answer. I don't move. He tries again and shakes the bed a little.

I guess I need to answer. "Yeah" He says he wants to talk to me, man to man. But I need to sit up and look at him. Okay, I sit up and he sorta smiles and points at my shirt. I am wearing the grey Army shirt he sent me and he is wearing one too. I say surprised, that I thought he only wore black that is what Dad always says. He says he usually does, but his girlfriend says he looked scary enough without being in all back, and he didn't want to scare me.

I am still really nervous, but I am if he wanted to hurt me, wouldn't he try to scare me? I tell him, "I always wanted to meet you, but you never came around. I love all of the Army and baseball stuff you send me."

He smiles a little, "Good, I am not in the Army anymore, so maybe I can come around more and find out what else you would like."

I don't answer right away; I am not sure what he wants. Why he would come around now? He shrugs, like my silence doesn't hurt his feelings. It always hurts my Mom when I don't answer her questions. He just continues saying that he doesn't want anything, but to talk to me.

He starts to tell me that sometimes things happen that are so frightening that you feel you need to keep it to yourself. Those are sometimes the things you need to tell someone. No one who loves you will make you keep a secret that makes you feel bad. If they loved you they would want you to get all the help you needed. Nobody knows that you need help if you don't ask. If something is wrong you have to ask for help.

What does he know? When has he ever needed help? From what Dad says, he is a hero. Heroes don't need anyone. I can't ask for help, who would help me? Grandpa says if I ever tell, he will have me sent away, like he sent Uncle Ranger away when he was a teenager.

I just tell him I don't need help; I don't have anything to say. He asks if he can still talk to me, if I want to listen. I shrug, but don't get up.

He starts to tell me about a little boy named Carlos. Carlos' stepfather didn't like him too much, but it was the only father Carlos ever had. Because Carlos' stepfather didn't like him, he sometime would hit him, would hit him so much that it left scars. That the stepfather would go down to Carlos' room and touch him in ways that felt so good and so bad at the same time. Carlos never told, so it kept happening and because it kept happening he never told. He felt like he was doing something to make it happen and because the touches felt better than the beatings, they would ask his stepfather for it, rather than get hit.

I can't look away, I can't stop listening, and I don't want to hear this story. I do want to know what happens to Carlos.

He continues, Carlos finally grew stronger and meaner than his stepfather and made him stop. Even after it stopped Carlos felt bad and dirty inside, like something was wrong with him. He felt that it was always his fault. So, he still never told. As Carlos became a very strong man, that tried to do the right thing and help people, he was afraid of people finding out his secret. He was a man who still didn't sleep well and still sometimes pretended he was invisible. He was great at pretending that he didn't need help, but inside he was screaming for someone to help him.

I am starting to cry, I don't cry. I ask Uncle Ranger, what happened to Carlos?

He looks at me, to make sure I am paying attention and says, "He is right here, Carlos is my middle name. And your grandfather is my stepfather."

Uncle Ranger? My Dad always called him the baddest dog on the block. And Grandpa could hurt him when he was a boy? I get angry because I don't want anyone to hurt like I do.

"Ranger, all I have to do is ask for help? He nods.

It takes everything in me to say, "Help me."

He nods and I see tears in his eyes, too. "I think I want to talk to my Mom now." He nods and gets off the chair. "She would be a great place to start for help."

"Can I call you sometimes, too?"

"Any time, anytime you need to talk, you can call me. It doesn't matter what time it is, just call."

"You can call me too, Uncle, anytime you need to talk. I wish he were dead."

Uncle Ranger says, "Me, too."

As he is walking me downstairs, I swear I hear him whisper, soon.

I stop and I hug him, he freezes up for a second – but I understand I don't always like to be touched either. I quickly move away, but he leans down and hugs me back and says he is so sorry.

I look up and tell him, it will be okay now. We will be okay now.

_A/N: I have special thanks for those who helped me with the direction of this story __**margaret fowler**__, __**christibabe**__, __**Danababy1076**__ and gave me such wonderful ideas, it kept this story moving right along. Once I got a direction, the words came easier/harder than I thought. _

_I hope I tackled this with the sensitivity I knew it deserved. Thanks for your reviews, keep them coming. _

wwwww wwww


	18. Chapter 18

Better than myself Part 18

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes

Ranger's POV

I know it is time, after talking to JJ; it is actually far past time. I need to take care of Thomas, something I should have done years ago. My own cowardice and selfishness let Thomas hurt someone else. It was different when it was just me, but JJ, that is unforgivable. As Tank said, Thomas is a rabid dog; he needs to be put down.

I need to do something, run, hit something, but I know it is because I want to run away from the sadness I feel because of JJ and some sadness from myself. Looking at JJ was like looking in the mirror. JJ didn't have to tell me exactly what Thomas did, I can remember, hell… some nights I can still feel it. I will take care of this for JJ, I am the best, there will be no trace to me or the family and it will just look like a break in gone bad. I hope knowing that Thomas can never hurt him again, will help JJ. I will make sure that he has everything he needs.

Tank walks outside and asks if I am ready to do this? Almost, I just need to ask him not to react to anything that he hears tonight, if there are any questions I will answer them when it is all over. But please, no reactions while we are in front of Thomas. I don't imagine he is going to go quietly and anything he can do to take me down with him, he will try.

"I can do that, we need to make this clean, can Steph do that? Gloves and everything, in an out in an hour or less. Anything more will draw suspicion to the vehicles."

I think my Babe can do anything, just give her the specifics and she will follow. Hopefully nothing blows up. Tank laughs, "Yeah, something can always happen, when Bomber is involved."

We bump fists and Steph comes out. Tank tells her to come see him when she is done out here. He will brief her on the mission.

I am so glad Steph is here; I walk over and wrap my arms around her.

"Ranger… Carlos are you sure you want to do this? Tank and Lester could take care of him for you."

"No, this is my mess, my closure, I NEED to do this. I put this off because I didn't want to face it; I am ready to face it now."

I also give her the same speech I gave Tank, any questions when this is over, but not during. And not to react to Thomas at all if she can help it.

I can't believe I am opening myself up for questions, but I am so sick of hiding from those I love. I need to practice the same advice I gave JJ. If you need help, ask.

She nods and I give her a kiss, just to show her that I love her. Off to talk to Tank, while I take a little bit of time alone. This is the way I approach every mission, I just clear my mind of everything except the objective. This is more personal than any mission I have ever been on. I hope that I can come back from this.

Tank chose the witching hour to arrive at Thomas', midnight, when most people are sleeping, so our arrival will be less noticeable.

Steph picks the lock to the back door (anytime is a good time for practice), I am proud of how fast she does it and that she is wearing gloves. We go in quiet as mice; we leave Steph in the kitchen, because as much as she has learned, stealth will never be her strong suit. Tank and I split up, he checks upstairs and I look at every room on the ground floor. Tank returns quickly with a shake of his head and then I know exactly where he is. Alone in this house, that son of a bitch is in the basement.

I just walk down the stairs, not caring about being quiet anymore. Thomas is lying on the bed and looks up and smiles when he sees me. "Did you come back for more?"

What? What did he say? Fuck that, I draw my gun and pointed at him. I know I can't do this in an uncontrolled rage, but I want to just empty my clip into his head.

"Boy, are you going to shoot me? You think you are a man with that gun? Does it make you forget how you would beg for it? How you would beg me to fuck you? Will killing me, make you forget, how I felt how I tasted?"

I feel myself start to lose it, "Get on your knees, _boy_" I say with a sneer. I am surprised I am not screaming.

Thomas gets up and stares me in the eye.

"Does your girl know? Does your friend? Do they know about all the boys you screwed in high school? Big strong Ricky, did you take it like you did from me? Or did you were you on top?"

I can't believe he is still talking. I tell him that this is not about me; it is about what he did to JJ. JJ was his flesh and blood. I wouldn't kill him for myself, because if that was the case it would have been done years ago. He actually looks angry. "JJ told, I told him to never tell. You never told, I am going to…."

I press my gun at his temple and repeat, "Get on your knees."

On her way down, I place a kick on his kneecap and I feel it dislocate on his way down. He cries out in pain, Tank goes behind him to make sure that most of the pressure is on the dislocated knee. I start to talk very quietly.

"I used to think I was going to die in this room. I remember being eight years old, peeing blood and being afraid to tell anyone. I was in so much pain, I wished for death. And before we leave this room, you will wish for death also, but your wish will be granted."

I grab his hand and break all of the fingers. It is very satisfying to feel the breaking of those bones. He is starting to cry. "How does it feel to cry out in pain, knowing that no one will help you?" I take out my knife and look at the blade. "I wonder how this will feel going into your leg. Do you want to see?"

Tank makes a noise next to me. Oh, I guess I can't torture him because we need to make it look like a B&E and that Thomas fled to the basement. The broken fingers can be explained away, but not if I carve him up. Okay, let me rein it in.

Tank and I pick him up and take him to the end of the stairs. I look Thomas in the eye, "I want my face to be the last thing you ever see. You stole my childhood, you stole from JJ and it stops now!" I reach up and snap his neck.

Tank arranges him to look like he fell down the stairs and he goes up with Steph. I hear them upstairs moving furniture and breaking items. I know I should go and help, but I am stuck, staring at Thomas. The culmination of all of my nightmares is lying dead at the bottom of the stairs. And I feel nothing. It didn't change anything for me. I honestly didn't think it would, that is why I never took care of it before. My reality does not change with his death. But I hope now JJ will feel safe.

Stephanie comes down the stairs and shakes me. "Are you ready to go? Tank has already taken some things to the van. We have to get out of here."

I don't say anything, I just follow her up. It is time to get out of here. I need to go and talk to JJ and Jason in the morning, but then I think I need to put some distance between myself and Boston. Not the people, just the place.

_A/N: I hope this was satisfying. I wanted it to be darker, but I came up with the idea of not having any loose ends regarding his death and this idea just came to me. Also, I don't think torturing him to his death would change Ranger's hell. _

_Please leave reviews. I think the next chapters will come faster. (Less violence, more emotional) _


	19. Chapter 19

Better than myself Part 19

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: Graphic language, disturbing scenes

Stephanie's POV

Once we returned from Boston, my life started to move quickly. I didn't even have time to really process what happened there. I know Ranger, Tank and I need to talk about it. Ranger looks like he needs to talk, but he says it isn't urgent so other things have taken precedence. I know Ranger is avoiding something, but he isn't pulling away, so I am taking him at his word.

I have been having meetings with investors and business professionals about Arielle's Haven. We have the money, we have the building plans (I didn't know that Hal had an architecture background, his blueprints for the facility were amazing), and we just need to figure out a location. A location that is the sticking point. No one wants to say that we are done with Trenton. I know we are, but no one wants to say it. Dancing around the issue isn't going to get us out of New Jersey, but no one is ready to say it. As soon as we figure out what we are doing, we will be able to start construction and start hiring staff.

I am starting to feel like a real business woman. I am doing conference calls, wearing suits and doing lunch meetings. Finally I feel happy, content, relaxed. I knew that I shouldn't get to complacent, something always happens. I have started venturing out of Rangeman, the reporters have moved on once Joe plead guilty, no trial, not newsworthy. The gossip mongers have found other things to gossip about.

Ranger and I went to Pino's; I was dying for a meatball sub. Ella's cooking was marvelous and healthy, I don't know how she does it, even my favorite foods, she finds a way to make healthier. I have lost a few pounds and I have to admit I am looking good. But I just was really missing my favorite food, Ranger just smiled and said, "Babe."

I order my sub and Ranger's salad. He has come a long way in his eating habits, but I know he isn't ready for the full fat cheese, butter and red meat that is the deliciousness of Pino's. I go to talk to Carl and Eddie, they we are making small talk and I am feeling good. I wave at them when our name is called and Ranger and I hold hands on the way to the Turbo.

We walk straight into the path of my mother.

"Stephanie Michelle Plum, look at you, have you no shame? It is bad enough that everyone knows that you are living with and sleeping with all of those men. But here you are flaunting your relationship with this…thug, this murderer for the entire world to see. I see why you are drawn to him, you murderers should stick together."

I look at Ranger and he has a complete blank face on. So I don't know if he is reacting at all to my mom's words, but I don't think it would touch him.

"You ruined Joseph's life, let the Morelli's good name be dragged thru the mud and didn't even defend him when I asked you to. You killed any chance for any him to have a family when you killed your baby.

Joseph was right, you are crazy. A sane person would know that they just can't run around doing whatever they want. There are expectations that have to be met. You are nothing but an embarrassment. I should have stopped with Valerie, at least I wouldn't be afraid to show my face. You are a whore, Stephanie Plum; this man will never marry you. You are just a good time until he finds a better time. I would have rather seen you dead than a whore. Your Grandmother should have left you on that bathroom floor."

"If you wish I was dead Mother, you have your wish. I no longer have a mother. I am dead to you, if someone mentions me you can say that you don't know me. You never really did. Have a good life Mrs. Plum."

My thoughts are running a mile a minute. She wishes I would have died? My mother, I know we don't agree on how I live my life. I know we will never get a long, but she wishes I was never born? Fine, she was never there for me before and I don't need her now.

Ranger whispers in my in ear, "Proud of you, babe." And turns to my mother,

"Mrs. Plum, if anyone should be embarrassed it is Stephanie. Mother's are supposed to love their children and try to guide them and raise them up. You are the complete opposite of that. If you can't love Stephanie for the amazing woman she is, I feel sorry for you. "

He tugs on my arm and we walk away. I am numb; I didn't think anything she said could hurt me anymore. But to say that she wishes that Grandma Mazur left me on the floor, it means that she wishes I would have succeeded in killing myself. She doesn't love me and wishes I was dead. That is the only thing that is replaying in my head.

We arrive back at Haywood before I can get that thought out of my head. It feels like the good feeling I had earlier was just an illusion. I know that I don't deserve to be happy, I always knew it. Ranger practically carries me upstairs. I still don't say anything. I don't know what to say. I don't even want to cry, I just feel nothing.

Ranger sits me on the couch and wraps his arms around me; he always knows what to do for me. We sit there for a long time, not speaking; he is just stroking my hair. His cell rings, he ignores it, and then the house phone rings, he still doesn't move. He sighs, if they are calling both places it must be an emergency.

"Yo"

"Can't you handle it? What? Fine."

He slams down the phone, "I hate to leave you but we got a lead on a federal skip and I have to be there for the take down. We have been looking for him for a long time and the bond is almost up. Do you want me to call Ella to hang out until I get back?"

I shake my head, I don't want company, I just want to take a bath and maybe eat the Pino's' we brought. I promise him that I will be okay for few hours, and he leaves.

I get up and heat up my sub, I devour that and I don't stop there, Ranger's salad, the leftover casserole from the other night, chocolate cake, tasty kakes. I am just eating and eating. I don't feel anything but the food. When I cannot hold in another bite, I go into the bathroom to throw it all up. I look at myself in the mirror.

What am I doing? I am not in this place anymore; I understand what Ranger was saying about how easy it is to fall into old habits without thinking about it. Shit! Now my stomach is killing me. I can't keep all of this food in, but I don't really want to make myself throw up either.

I didn't really have much of a choice about throwing up; my stomach revolted to all of the food I crammed in. That is where Ranger found me, hunched over the toilet, puking my guts out. He doesn't ask any questions right away, he gives me a wash cloth, my tooth brush and then directs me over to the bed.

"Do you want to talk now?"

I sigh and tell him all about Joe and the baby I lost when I was 16 and the downward spiral that I ended up in after the miscarriage. How my mother blamed me for the miscarriage and used every opportunity to call me a murderer and a whore, that my suicide attempts and my bulimia were just a cry for attention. My father saved my life by having me committed, I didn't want to live. But I am not in that place anymore; I just slipped into old stressful behavior without thinking about it or trying to figure out something else to do. I know I should have had Ella come up here and talked about it. But I just wanted to be miserable for awhile and I let myself get out of control.

He holds me close when I am done speaking. "Steph, I love you, I will do anything to help you. I completely understand how it feels not to want to live. I will never judge you. I said it before we are quite a pair. The only thing I want is for you to be happy."

I look at him; I know he is being completely honest. I tell him that I want to open Arielle's Haven in Atlanta. He smiles at me. "Babe that is the best idea you have ever had."

_A/N: So the winner in the moving race is Atlanta. _

_I hope everyone who is a mother had a lovely mother's day. _

_Please review, and leave any suggestions. Thanks everyone for reading this story. _


	20. Chapter 20

Better than myself Part 20

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Frank's POV

I knew the news of Stephanie and Ranger's plans to move to Atlanta would be enormous leaving would shake up more than just the Plum household. Vinnie is closing up shop, with his best bonds enforcement agents refusing to work for him and all others not applying because of fear of Rangeman retribution. He just didn't have any choice. I am not sure what Connie and Lula are doing now, but from what I hear from Steph, I shouldn't care.

There was a news conference because of the community safety concerns, with all of the help that Rangemen gave the police force. We were assured that Carlos Manoso would not leave the citizens of Trenton without help and gave a brief explanation of the slimmed down crew and contract workers that will keep Rangeman Trenton afloat. He just no longer felt that Trenton was the place for the headquarters of his organization or anywhere he wanted to call home. I was surprised that he vocalized what everyone always knew, "There is a sickness that takes over part of Trenton, a sickness that does not accept those who are different and who refuse to conform to the status quo. He and his company cannot sit back and 100% back a community whose values are so far behind the times."

I wanted to stand up and applaud him at that statement. I think that was his way of giving the finger to the 'Burg and I for one loved it. He is a good man; I couldn't have picked a better man for my Pumpkin. I am glad that they are leaving, for them, but sad for myself. With the way Steph and Ranger look at each other, I know that marriage and kids are in the future for them, I don't know if I could live with myself if I missed that.

I have failed Stephanie in so many ways. I know I should have stepped in more than I did and stopped Helen from belittling and beating down Stephanie's dreams. I was a coward. I didn't want to rock the already unstable boat. But by doing nothing, I damaged my only daughter more than I probably will ever know.

Valerie is my daughter in every way that counts, I could not love her anymore if she was my biological child. But she is not. I met Helen in a whirlwind romance before I shipped out for an 11 month tour of duty in Germany. And I came home to a 6 month old daughter. The story I got from Helen was about how big of a mistake that she made, that she was lonely. Gossip had a way of getting back to me with an entirely different story, of a married man that Helen was seeing before and after we were married. He never had any intention of leaving his wife. I was the second choice. I know who he is, he still lives in Trenton, is a very prominent member of the community. He was just in the Rangeman press conference. But as one not to spread gossip, I will never tell anyone. I am surprised that neither Valerie nor Stephanie has heard the story, but gossip mongers are not known for long attention spans.

There has been so many times throughout the years I wondered, what if? What if I found out about this relationship before we were married, how different would my life have been? Could I have been happy, instead of knowing that I was the second, less successful choice?

I was a young single guy, who felt the pressure to have a wife when he enlisted. I married a beautiful girl without really knowing anything about her aside from the beauty. Do I really know this woman that I have called my wife all these years? Do I even love her?

I am angry, for the first time in year I am letting myself get angry. I don't want to miss out on anything else. I don't want to miss out on my first grandson (I know Ranger can give me a grandson) I am debating on how much more of my life I am willing to sacrifice for a woman I never really knew and am not sure I love. When she comes in ranting about Stephanie.

_Who does she think she is? Announcing that she is leaving town with a man who is not her husband, she might as well wear a button that says "I am a whore, ask me how."_

"Enough!" I shout. "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle? You have the nerve to call Stephanie a whore. What were you? Who were you sleeping with the entire time I was in Germany? Who is Valerie's father? We both know it isn't me. So when you start to throw stones, maybe you should look at the glass house you live in, Helen."

I turn to leave the room and I see Valerie standing in the door way. Shit! I never wanted her to find out I wasn't her father, not ever like this.

Val looks at me with shining eyes, "Daddy, I am not yours? Who am I?"

I respond that I think it is time that your mother has that conversation with you, but I always want her to remember that she is my daughter in ever single way that counts. I hold her close for a minute and I turn to Helen.

Helen starts telling Val that it doesn't matter, she is perfect. Stephanie never knew how to be a daughter and is not important.

"I am not going to stand here and listen to you belittle Stephanie anymore. Both of our daughters are amazing women in different ways. You can't see it because you are too blinding by your own shortcomings and your own jealousy to see what is in front of you. If Steph never gets married or has children, doesn't make her any more or any less than Valerie.

What kind of house wife will you be in an empty house? What will your precious 'Burg think of you because I am leaving? 'Burg husbands don't leave and I refuse to live like this anymore."

I feel great finally having said it. Hugging a shocked Valerie, I grab my keys and leave. I will come back later for my clothes. But will I really need them; I hear it is very hot in Atlanta, maybe an entirely new wardrobe is in order.

First I need to check with Steph and Ranger if they have a place for me to stay here and room for me in Atlanta.

_A/N: I have someone else joining them in Atlanta, Yeah! For Frank Plum. I hope that everyone enjoyed this chapter. _

_Please read and review. _


	21. Chapter 21

Better than myself Part 21

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Jason's POV

JJ has been doing much better than anyone expected, I was horrified to hear some of the details of what Thomas put him through. I will never understand someone who wants to hurt children. Thomas' death went a long way in making him feel safe. I was not sorry to hear about the "accident", the police quickly ruled it as a break in gone wrong. I will never ask for the truth of what happened. I never need to know. I just have to remember what Ranger (not Ricky, I am trying, he asked me not to call him Ricky, it just brings back horrible memories) said to me before he left Boston, _"I wish I could have prevented anything from happening to JJ, that is the guilt I have to live with. But I will do anything in my power to make it right, to make sure JJ doesn't end up like me."_

Like him? I would be honored if my son could be the man that he is. I know that Ranger went through the things JJ did and so much more, I am surprised that he isn't more damaged. That just is a testament of the strength of my brother. He doubts it and brushes it off by saying things about just being the muscle; however I know he is so much more, I wish he was able to see what we do. Stephanie will be a big help in making him see that. Being the only woman who ever broke through that carefully built wall around his heart, she is capable in making him see how much he is, how important he is.

The way that he has taken care of JJ, there hasn't been a night that went by without a phone call or an IM between them. I know they have had talks about what happened, talks that JJ would not be able to have with anyone but someone who went through it too. Ranger likes to be closed off and private, so what he has given to my son, just of himself means the world to me.

JJ is usually so even tempered, so I was shocked when the news of Ranger's planned move, sent him into a total melt down. He feels like Ranger is abandoning him, by going so far away. At 10 years old, he cannot understand that Ranger is trying to finally find a home. So, right now my son is sitting in his room playing video games, I wanted to take it away from him and make him talk. But something we have learned in therapy was that JJ has had so many choices taken away from him, that we have to let him make choices and know that he has control over something. The same thing with his tantrum, I just wanted to make him stop throwing things and screaming, but because he always felt he needed to be perfect, it was okay to let him be out of control for a bit.

Cami and I are sitting in the kitchen discussing what to do about JJ and how to make him feel alright about Ranger's moving away. She is having a little trouble dealing with the news of the move herself, Tank decided that he wanted to go with his family, so he is going to Atlanta, also. I can see past the brave front she is putting on, she has finally found someone. The way they looked at each other and how careful he was with her, there is something special between them. I know they are both denying it-but he is accepting her as she is and makes her smile. Cami is my wife, but beyond that she is my oldest friend and I just want her to be happy.

What is keeping us in Boston? Our jobs? I am selling my share of Father's business to his partner, so I will be unemployed for awhile, Cami, she can practice family law from anywhere. Cassie, our oldest, is so busy at the Art Institute; we might as well live miles away, for as often as she comes home. Flights are easy to book, and my brother has his own plane, so that would take care of those worries.

Now my relationship with Eli, it can withstand the distance, he isn't in Boston a lot anyway. His freelance writing gig, keeps him traveling and he never felt the need to really set up roots anywhere. He can stay with us in Atlanta just as easy as Boston.

In explaining my plans to Cami, she looks a little stunned, but does agree that a fresh start might be what the entire family needs. She doesn't mention being closer to Tank, but I have known this woman my entire life; I can tell what she is thinking.

I run up the stairs and knock on JJs door, another thing I am trying to remember, not to just barge in, I announce myself and sit on the chair.

"JJ how do you feel about the Braves?" He looks up, but doesn't say anything. I think the blank face can be inherited, or is it learned; either way JJ has the look down.

You can't really be subtle with a 10 year old, so I ask him, how he would feel if we all moved closer to Atlanta? Finally a smile. "Really Dad? Can we? That would be awesome! Let me be the one to call him!"

He high tails it down the stairs, but runs back up asking for my cell. I hand it over to him, and just ask him to let me talk to Ranger when he is through.

I go downstairs and Cami is on the house phone, probably with Tank. I am thinking that this is a great idea; maybe it is finally time for me to get to know my baby brother.

_A/N: I have an emotional chapter coming up, so I wanted to do something else a little lighter for this one. If anyone has any ideas of any emotional issues I still need to touch on, please let me know, so I don't forget anything. _

_Thanks for all of your reviews and suggestions, please continue. _


	22. Chapter 22

Better than myself Part 22

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warning: disturbing subject matter

Tank's POV

Once it was decided where we were going to live, everything started moving very quickly. Rangeman Atlanta's offices were considerably smaller than Trenton, not really ready for a staff of our size. Les and Ella were down there now securing the deal on our new office and apartment complex. With everyone who is moving with us, we could probably buy our own suburb, Ella, Bobby, Les, Hector, Steph, Ranger, Grandma Mazur, (who claimed she couldn't be left alone with her daughter and a gun, there was no telling what would happen) and myself were all planning on living on the Rho Alpha Omega Rangeman, as Les has named it, as if we were going to be a big frat house. Jason, JJ and Cami were looking for a house and I know Ranger wanted to build a house for himself and Steph, so they were not always working.

Construction has also started on Arielle's Haven, based on Hal's design, not very far from the Rangeman campus. I don't know how Ella found places so close together. That woman can work magic that we can only dream of. Ranger has been efficient as ever, getting the crew ready for the staff change. Coordinating everything from the moving trucks to ordering new furniture for everyone. But what is missing is the man; he is so removed from this new exciting chapter of our lives. I want to know why; you would think that having everyone who loves him, dropping everything to move basically across country because that is where he is going to be would make him feel on top of the world. Instead he is again living on the outside looking in.

Steph has mentioned his odd behavior to me several times, long times staring out of windows and hours just sitting in the gym. We promised him that we were not going to let him hide in plain sight anymore. After dinner, I am just going to call him out on it.

I have wanted to say this to him for years, I a little worried about his reaction, but he needs to hear this.

"Ranger, if you continue to live like this, this closed off, detached, not letting anyone help you, when you know you need help. You might have well stayed in that house, in that basement with Thomas. If you are not living your life, he has won. Because you still are living as if you never left that place. I bet it hurts, because it takes you back to a time when you were alone and powerless, but you know that is not true, not anymore."

Steph looks over at me, a little angry and maybe not expecting me to be so blunt. But this is bullshit, he just needs to ask us for help, or talk to us. I know he wants to talk about killing Thomas, but he isn't sure how to start. Well he is just going to have to talk.

"Carlos, what have you told JJ so many times? Monsters only live in the dark, once you talk about what is bothering you, it is never as bad as it seemed when you kept it to yourself."

I know she is speaking from experience. And it is good to know I am not alone in fighting for him. That is what family does.

Ranger gets up and starts pacing. Pacing, is one of Ranger's tells. Something he only does when he has something to get off of his chest. When he is done pacing and ready to talk, he sits on the floor as far away from us without leaving the living area.

Man of mystery, my ass. People are just usually too scared of him to notice. But I can read him like a book.

He starts speaking; he is worried, worried that once everything has settled, and everyone has time to really wrap their head around what has happened, we will wish we would have stayed in Trenton or anywhere he isn't. That when the dust settles and everyone has time to reflect, that we would think differently of him, because of what Thomas said about the things he did in his past, of how much pleasure he would have taken in torturing the bastard. It takes me a minute to remember what he is talking about. It is funny, that comment didn't really register until he mentions it again. To me it was a throw away statement that didn't mean anything, but it has been something that has obviously been eating him up inside.

"Ranger, man, I never thought about that again. Hell, I wouldn't care if you slept with the entire Raider's football team, as long as it was what you wanted to do, what made you happy. Straight, gay, bi, whatever, just be safe and content."

Ranger starts speaking again, he wishes that he could find contentment; it is like something that he can almost see, and feels so close, but like he can never reach it.

"There are some days I still feel like I am in that place, the pain, while I feel so much better; it is like something that will always be a cloud over my head. I am working on that, I am, I just don't know how to be when I am working things out in my head. I don't know how to make you guys know that I am not running from my feelings, it is just a lot sometimes to let myself feel them.

I feel like I failed JJ, he thinks I am a hero, but I am just an imposter. If I would have manned up years ago and took care of Thomas like I should have, there would have never been an opportunity for JJ to be hurt."

He looks up at the ceiling, not wanting to make eye contact.

"I know you guys love me, intellectually I KNOW it, but how can you? Knowing what I have done, hearing Thomas say that there are some days I would beg for it, so he wouldn't beat me. You both saw exactly what I am capable of. Tank, if you were not there I would have tortured him for hours, until he begged for death.

Steph, how can you want me, knowing that for years I fucked _anyone_ who would let me? Just because I knew I could. Because then, I didn't have to feel. How are you ever going to want to marry me, without wondering, if you are enough for the man you married, or if I really want something else?"

That is the most he has ever said about what is going on in his head. I cannot believe he thinks all that, all the time. No wonder there are times he doesn't want to think, if I had that tape playing in my head 24/7 I think I would need a drink.

Steph starts talking to him then, reassuring him, that it will never matter to her, who the first person he slept with was or even the person he was sleeping with before her all that matters is that if they are going to be together, she is the last person that he sleeps with.

I tell him, that Thomas was something that needed to happen. No one would ever blame him for not doing it sooner, but when JJ needed protecting, it was done without hesitation. That is all that counts.

Finally Ranger looks at us and I see a look of relief and some tears in his eyes. I didn't know he could do that, I have never seen him do that and we have been in some pretty serious situations. We have lost some people so close to us that I thought I couldn't breathe and through all of it Ranger never shed a tear. Sometimes things are just so fucked up that all you can do is cry or scream. I know Ranger has done enough screaming to last a lifetime.

Steph gets up and sits on one side of him, so I take my position on the other side.

"Brother, neither of us expect you to be perfect, or to get over your past in any short period of time. All we want is for you to try to talk to us. If there are no words, just tell us that you are working it out in your head and when you can, and if you need to, you will talk."

"Carlos, I know better than anyone that old habits are so hard to break, but we promised each other not to let us fall back into those habits. The same thing you are doing for me, I am doing for you."

Ranger agrees.

Have I mentioned that I adore Stephanie Plum? We sit there for awhile, telling Stephanie old army stories of some of the dumb things we did together, funny things that Les was always up to. She tells us some more about her life before we came into it. Things end a lot more relaxed than they started.

I watch their entwined hands and how his body is drawn to hers, like he is a compass and she is true north. It is time for me to leave, because the sexual tension between them is making me horny.

Ughhh and I am not getting any, but I have a woman to call, so I will be okay too.

_A/N: I hope I dealt with what has been going on in Ranger's head since Thomas' death in a fitting way. We are getting closer to leaving Trenton. There are just some people that need to be dealt with first. _

_Please read and review, reviews make my day! _


	23. Chapter 23

Better than myself Part 23

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Valerie's Biological Father's POV 

My entire life has always been about me, what I wanted, what would benefit me and my aspirations. By doing this I completely ignored my only child. I have always known that Valerie Plum was my daughter. But telling all of Trenton would not benefit anyone, it would probably make matters worse. As it is, Valerie's outburst at Pino's has the gossip mill working overtime. She always seemed such a calm level headed girl, but the news that her entire life had been a lie, has hit her hard. She broke down in the restaurant after seeing Frank eating lunch with Stephanie and Ranger. Yelling that he didn't need to pretend to love her anymore, he can spend time with his "real" daughter and move away and forget about her. Frank did a beautiful job of calming her down and reassuring her of his love. However, her break down ousted Helen's biggest secret.

I know Helen will never reveal my identity without permission. She loves her reputation too much; I know it is a little tarnished with everyone knowing of the affair, it would only get worse if everyone knew I was the father. I loved her very much during our time together, but she didn't have the connections I needed to fulfill my dreams. We both knew our affair was doomed from the start. I was married when we met, but I was so drawn to the girl she was. Helen was beautiful and so full of life; you couldn't help but want to be around her.

Her marriage to Frank Plum was a sensible decision, he is a good man. I always knew that he would take care of her and when he returned from overseas, he just jumped into the role of Valerie's father with very little question. From what I heard around town, both girls were treated the same by Frank. It wasn't Valerie's treatment that was the hot topic around town; it was the callous way Helen treated Stephanie. That was what made me finally end our affair. How could I love a woman, who had no apparent love for her youngest child?

After Stephanie was born is when my feelings for Helen started to change. She was no longer the fun loving woman that captured my heart. I was not attracted to what she changed into, the kind of woman I never wanted, always worrying about how things looked instead of how people felt. I remember our last encounter-

Stephanie had just broken her arm after trying to jump of the roof. Helen was so angry about it, she couldn't look at is a childhood lack of judgment, it was personal as if that little girl was purposely trying to embarrass her. She confided in me that she will never love Frank like she loved me. Having Stephanie made it harder to pretend that I would come for them. I didn't know why I missed it before- she only had Stephanie because it was what was expected of her and it ruined her fantasy.

I feel like her behavior is partially my fault. I thought I could have and do anything I wanted, never considering the fall out. Never considering that Helen was waiting her entire life for me to change my mind and marry her.

I think it is far past time I start putting others first. My wife has wanted to travel for years and because I had to see and be seen around Trenton, I never wanted to go anywhere. She has been behind me, supporting everything I have ever wanted to do. I think it is high time I do something for her.

Now what am I going to do about Valerie? The research I have done on her shows that her family is struggling financially. Her husband's (Albert?) law practice didn't have the business it needed to support a family of their size and the rumor is that there is another on the way.

I can send more business Albert's way and set up trust funds for my grandchildren – that does give me pause –I have grandchildren I will never know. I would never try to get in the way of that, I would never want the children to question Frank's love for them or be confused by my presence. I will make sure that they can afford whatever college of their choosing.

Where I am at a loss about, is how to help with the immediate needs; housing, food, clothing and transportation. I can't just walk up to her and hand her cash without a million questions. That leads me to the meeting with Ranger Manoso. I trust him to be discreet, regardless of his relationship with Stephanie. I think having a relationship with Stephanie is a plus because he will have more of an intimate knowledge of Valerie's needs.

Very few Trenton residents have been inside the Rangeman building, we are all sad to see the base of operations leaving. That is our lesson to learn, we were all so stuck in our ways that we didn't try to make them feel welcome. Even when it became obvious that they were nothing of a help to the police and generous to the community, we still chose to treat them like criminals.

Sitting across from Ranger Manoso, I am struck again by how intimidating he is. He has an aura of absolute power that makes you want to follow him anywhere. Which is what makes him a good leader, it would make him a wonderful politician, if he background was clean, and he could probably rule the free world.

I tell him of my connection to Valerie and Helen, explain to him the problem that I am having, wanting to help her financially. He really is a man of few words, he said that he would discuss as much as he could with Stephanie, apparently Valerie and Stephanie have some things to work out. But as long as that is fixed, Valerie will have a job, including full benefits at Rangeman. She could be a filing clerk or work in customer billing. Because the operations will be so much smaller and there will be no government contracts handled out here at all, she should be the perfect fit.

I leave the meeting feeling that I have accomplished something. Maybe it is too little too late, but I don't want her to have to struggle any longer.

_A/N: I don't know if it is in the plans to reveal who her father is, I don't know if it will advance the story. Now everyone knows that Helen had an affair, she is probably mortified and we will here from her soon (as long as my muse cooperates) _

_Thank you __**christibabe**__ and __**margaret fowler **__for helping me through my writers block. Your ideas have not only helped me with this chapter, but gave me ideas for the next couple. _

_Please review – I appreciate every one of them. _


	24. Chapter 24

Better than myself Part 24

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warnings: language

Steph's POV

After several long, emotional conversations with Carlos, I agreed to meet with Val. I know she is struggling financially and a job with Rangeman could change their life. I never ask him how he knows about her situation, I just assume it is because he is Batman, he always knows. Also, he has been spending a lot of bonding time with my Dad. I think it is good for both of them. If Val was on her own, I would let her rot, but my nieces don't deserve to live that way.

Forgive her? I am not sure if I can, or if I want to. She never really treated me like a sister, at least not the kind of sister I always dreamed about. She was always everything I wanted to be; beautiful, smart, talented, and popular. Every chance she could she made sure I knew that I didn't measure up to her perfection. I don't blame her for the self esteem issues I know I still have, but she was never my ally.

When I found out she slept with Joe, it was just another thing that she probably was better at than I was. It wasn't just that she slept with him, knowing that we were together. It was that she told him all of my secrets. Secrets that he used to tie me in knots. I don't think she will ever understand what weapons she laid at his feet. He tried to use those secrets to chain me to him forever. To manipulate me into being who and what he wanted me to be.

No matter what she ever did to me and how she made me feel, I would never betray her.

I didn't want to meet her on neutral ground; I wanted to be in control of this meeting. So, she is meeting me in the Rangeman conference room. I am not meeting her to forgive her, I just want to hear her out and let Carlos offer her a job.

Val walks in, she looks hesitant, oh, and she really is pregnant again. I heard all of the rumors-but to see it, I wonder… Invite her to sit, across the table from me.

"Val, I hope you are feeling more reassured about Dad. You have to know he loves you. From what I understand, he has always known that he was not your biological father and has loved you all the same."

No matter how angry, disappointed I am in her; I know how it feels not to feel loved by your parents. I would never want anyone to experience those feelings. Now that I have said that –

"I can't believe you Val, we might have never been close, but I TRUSTED you. It isn't just that you fucked Joe, and you had to do that didn't you. I couldn't have anything that was just MINE. It is that you told him things that he was never supposed to know. You sold me out, for what? Some dick and a sandwich? I guess that is all I am worth to you."

I am very proud of myself for not losing it; maybe sitting in Carlos' chair is helping me find my inner calm. Carlos is an expert at hiding his rage.

She starts to try to explain, that he caught her while she was feeling low. He started bringing over pizza, her favorite shampoo and other things they just couldn't afford. Albert had been so distant because of the money troubles. Then there Joe was, telling her she was beautiful, making her feel the way she used to.

"Steph, I don't know if you can ever forgive me, but I am truly sorry. I didn't think, I just did, the more I told him, the more he would come around. Joe is so charming and gorgeous. He was every 'Burg girls dream. You had him, but didn't really want him. And the idea that he wanted me was overwhelming. I just let him seduce me, I felt horrible right after. Then when I he never came back, I realized that he was just using me to get dirt on you."

I don't want to feel bad for her, but I can't help it. I have been there- I know how being lonely feels. I see everyday what loneliness can do to a person. I tell her that, but I don't know where that leaves us. I don't know if this is something that can be repaired or if I want to repair it.

"I want to be able to trust the people I allow in my life. I want to lead a life that allows me to be free and happy. I don't feel that way about you, I don't know if I ever will."

Carlos comes in then, I am glad for his perfect timing. He sits down and explains that he wants to offer Val a job. That it does offer medical, dental and maternity leave. Then since he is braver than most, he asks the question that I have been dying to ask. Who is the baby's father?

Val isn't sure, with the timing it could be Albert or Joe. She hopes it is Albert's not just because Joe will be in jail for a long time. But also because she isn't sure her marriage would survive if Albert wasn't the father. He isn't taking the news of her infidelity well at all, sleeping in his office, only coming home to see the girls. I am surprised that Albert is sticking up for himself, but fidelity isn't too much to ask in a marriage. She should know after what happened with Steve and seeing how I felt after Dickie. I guess when you are in the heat of the moment; other people's feelings don't mean much.

She does accept Carlos' job offer, because how could she not. It is a generous offer. I can't wait to hear what Mom has to say about that. Her perfect 'Burg creation, working with those "thugs and lowlifes", I would love to witness her reaction to that. The word around town is that she is ashamed to leave the house, with Dad leaving and everyone finding out that she was not faithful the her husband. Valerie working for Rangeman would be another nail in the coffin, of the perfect life she envisioned.

We stand, I give her a hug, I will miss her. It does feel like the last time I will see her, because we can never go back. I don't want to.

"Steph, be happy, I know you would never be that here. And please take care of Dad and Grandma."

She leaves and looks so sad, I understand, we are leaving her behind. I do have compassion for her, but when you make bad choices, you have to pay for them. I have learned that enough in my life. I know we are leaving things at loose ends, but I can't pretend that everything is alright between us.

_A/N:_

_Please review – I appreciate every one of them. _

_I am having a hard time finding Helen's voice, but I think she will have something to say soon. We are getting closer to leaving Trenton; I am trying to tie up the loose ends. _


	25. Chapter 25

Better than myself Part 25

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warnings: language

Helen's POV

Stephanie's fault, my life is falling down around me and it all leads back to her. She has been nothing but a thorn in my side from the moment she was born. I only had another child because I wanted to give Frank a son, every man wants a son. What was my payment for the right thing? Another daughter, a child who could not take simple direction. Who had no interest in anything that normal females wanted.

I bound myself to Frank forever to be disappointed at every turn. I married because it was what was expected of me. I wasn't naive enough to believe that Val's father would ever leave his wife. And I don't think I would want a man who would leave his wife for another wife, what would prevent him from doing the same to me.

Back to Stephanie, I need to fix this situation quickly. Not her, I don't think there is any help for her. But it is unacceptable that she is influencing my mother and Frank to move to Georgia with her and those men she lives with. I was sure after Frank figured out what Stephanie was "paying" for her room and board; he would come home with his tail between his legs. And now Valerie is going to work there. What they are not happy to ruin my youngest daughter, they want to ruin the reputation of my oldest daughter too.

Valerie won't even discuss it; all she will say is that they need the money. Thing are hard enough and are just going to get worse with the new baby coming. Albert needs to step up and take care of his family, so his wife doesn't have to lower herself to work, especially with those outsiders. When I heard that Albert was no longer sleeping at home, I was mortified. I don't really know the story of what is going on between Val and Albert, but I know it has to go back to Stephanie. Everything that goes wrong in this family has to go back to her.

I have tried to get Stephanie committed again, but every lawyer I spoke to either says I do not have a case or refuses to go against Rangeman's lawyers. I know she needs to be locked away; she isn't capable of making good decisions. Just like the last time that crazy girl needed to be committed, I will never understand her lack of self control.

Since I cannot find outside help that way, I had to come up with another idea. If she died, which is always a threat in her current position, everyone would close ranks around me. They would mourn with me and then take me back into the fold. No one should have to bury their child and all of those who are now shunning me, will feel awful for me and do anything to make sure I can get through the tragedy.

I need to find someone to take care of her for me; I have put feelers around town, looking for someone to take care of her for me. I am looking for any enemies she has and I know she has to have a lot. The replies I keep getting are not promising. No one wants to mess with "Manoso's woman", this just confirms what I already knew about that man- what is he into that the most hardened criminals fear him? I know it has to be more than anything Joseph could have done. The wrong person is sitting in a jail cell. What does that say about society that a good man like Joseph will spend the next 10-15 years of his life behind bars and a dangerous man like Ranger is walking free?

Running out of options, I finally contact Stephanie's old friend, Lula, as much as I don't to associate myself with a former hooker, her profession could come in handy. She is bound to have some unsavory contacts that are not afraid of Ranger. At first she is reluctant to help, but I offer her $5,000 to find someone, that seems to change her mind and she says that she does know a guy.

Good finally someone to help me. A couple of days later a Mexican guy shows up, he does look scary with his gang wear and tear-drop tattoos on his face. He introduces himself as Muerte*, he has broken English, but I think we get the point across. I advise that I want to be there when it happens, so I have no unanswered questions. We come to an agreement, $5,000 now and $5,000 after the job is done.

A few hours later I get a note telling what time to arrive at Rossini's. I look in the window and there she is, with my mother and husband (I wonder where her precious Ranger is tonight, too bad he won't be able to witness this). They are laughing and having a great time, with no concern that my life is crumbling around me. The look so happy without me, making plans that do not include me, without a second thought of my well being or all of the sacrifices I have made for them.

Muerte walks up to me, we exchange as many words as we can and gets out his gun. I brace myself, I have never witness anyone being shot before. Instead of pointing the gun at Stephanie – he turns it on me.

What? What is going on?

I look around and Ranger appears from nowhere, also with a gun pointed at me, Lula is standing behind him. I was double crossed!

Frank and my mother have walked out of the restaurant by this time.

"Mother, I don't know what is wrong with these men. I just wanted to say good bye to you. Tell them to let me go."

"You are no daughter of mine; you wanted Stephanie killed, why? Because she didn't bow to your will? I am ashamed to have given birth to you. You learned nothing from me, you are nothing like me and I don't wish you dead, I feel sorry for you."

I have never seen such hatred in her eyes before, doesn't she understand that I was trying to fix things? She walks away without looking back and Frank follows her.

"Wait," I cry, "What is going to happen to me?"

Frank stops and then turns around. "I thought that you should rot in a jail cell, next to your precious Joseph, but Stephanie didn't want the police involved. You are going to be committed; I do agree that you need help. You should thank Stephanie for not being dragged through the court system. We have everything on tape from the time you met Hector, until right now. There would be no trouble getting you locked up, think about that?"

He walks away and leaves me with Ranger and Hector.

Committed?

_A/N: Thank you __**christibabe**__ for your inspiration in writing this story. I didn't have a direction and you gave me one. Also thanks to __**Margaret fowler**__ and __**Danababy1076**__ for always believing in my writing and encouraging me._

_We are closer to leaving, I promise. Please leave reviews, suggestions sometimes bring great inspiration. _

_*_ Muerte = death


	26. Chapter 26

Better than myself Part 26

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Warnings: language

Ranger's POV

I know that Trenton does not exist in a bubble, but I have gone for years without running into anyone from my past. Now that I am ready to try to put the past behind me, there it is standing in front of me in Macy's. That is what I get for agreeing to go shopping with Steph. It is what she said she needed. After all of the drama with her mother, all she said she wanted is some 'retail therapy' and since Mary Lou's kids were sick I agreed to go with. That is where I can tell how crazy about her I am.

We were winding up our day buying shoes and I heard my name, well not Ranger, but Rick, so I KNEW that it was someone I would rather not see. There he was Simon. I am trying to figure out how not to have to explain to Simon who Stephanie is and get out of there.

"Rick, is that you? I thought that was you! Look at how dangerous you look now! It has been years."

"Hey Si," I gave him a handshake, avoiding the hug I knew he expected. We make some mindless small talk, I feel Steph shifting from foot to foot beside me. I grab her hand and introduce her to as my girlfriend and hope Simon doesn't react to the girlfriend part. Good, he doesn't bat an eye; I know he always thought that I was some hopeless closet case. We talk a little more and he shows us pictures of his kid and he goes off shopping. I think that went well. Why should running into someone I knew be drama? It was probably just all in my head.

We finish up shopping, Stephanie is quieter than usual. But maybe she is just getting tired. I ask her if she is ready to go and she just nods. Great, I am not dumb; she is either pissed or hurt. I want to wait until at least we get into the Turbo to have this conversation.

We are heading home before I decide to bring it up; she hadn't said a word the entire ride.

"What's wrong? Wasn't the shopping trip successful?"

"I'm fine."

Okay, so we are just going to play the fine game. I am not good at guessing what is wrong with her, but we aren't going to avoid this. We get upstairs and she heads straight towards the fridge, she is standing in front of it and sighing. I just watch to see what she is going to do, I am not going to let her binge, but I don't want to intervene before I have to. There isn't much in there anyway and most of the dishes are packed.

With a sigh she closes the fridge and sits on the stool, "Carlos, how do you know Simon?"

How do I know Simon? That is a loaded question, "Last I saw Simon he was living in Newark, and I stayed with him sometimes when I was on leave stateside for the first few years I was enlisted. And we kept in touch for a few years after that."

I am not being purposely vague, I am just not sure how to classify Simon, and it was more like friends with benefits. But I know Stephanie doesn't really understand casual sex.

"What do you mean stayed with? Did you live with him?"

I answer as truthfully as I could, I explain that we didn't exactly live together, I did use his address as my home address for awhile and we had a relationship, but it wasn't serious. When I decided that is not what I wanted to do or the life I wanted to live, there were no tears or hearts broken. It was a casual thing and when it was over, we both just moved on.

"Carlos, I know you have a past, we all do, but to hear you dismiss a relationship so casually makes me wonder what our future holds. In five years am I going to run into you and you are going to make what we had seem meaningless?"

I don't even know how to address this, what went on with Simon and myself, is nothing compared to what I feel for Stephanie. Nothing.

"Am I just going to be a footnote in your life, does Simon know that he was just a stepping stone in your life, that whatever you shared meant nothing?"

I see her starting to get upset, I don't understand why she is so upset? Isn't that what Morelli was to her, what about Dickie? I don't want to fight; I don't even know what we would be fighting about.

"Steph, what Simon and I had, whatever it was, it was just fun. It was never anything serious; he dated other people while I was deployed or out of contact for a long period of time. I didn't hurt him when I stopped whatever it was."

"See you are describing a relationship as whatever, like it meant nothing. Is this just a stop on your journey, once you are comfortable in your own skin are you going to be ready to move on?"

Now we are into what the issue is. She thinks that eventually I will move on. How can she not know how much I love her? How much loving her helped save my life? Loving her made me see a future for myself; it made me want to find a way to exist with her in my life. I have shared more of myself with her than I have with anyone. And she still can question that what we have would be meaningless.

"Stephanie, you mean more to me than anyone. Our future inspires me to be a better man. I never thought I was capable or worthy of love, but I know that I am, and I only know that because you showed me."

I don't know how else to say it to make her understand what her love does for me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving her, showing her. This is not the time for my proposal, but I want her to be my wife.

I don't know what to do about her self-doubt. She doubts so much about her contribution to this relationship, because she doesn't come with much money and how can she satisfy me sexually with her limited experience, what would I want with her? I know some of this comes from that bullshit that Lula and Connie told her.

While Lula has tried to make amends by exposing Helen's stupid scheme, she is in no way forgiven. She was let into our lives, more importantly into Tank's heart and she betrayed him without a second thought. I know she is having a lot of trouble finding a job in Trenton, but I can't bring myself to help her. She is lucky I don't do more than ignore her. She isn't worth that type of vengeance.

I stalk over to Stephanie, lift her off the stool and press my body against hers. I have to make her see, I explain to her while I have been sexually attracted to people before, I have never been as drawn to anyone as I am to her. While I have had plenty of sex, but never in my life had I made love, until her. The money means nothing, I can always make more, but the way she feels to my heart, means more than anything.

She looks as if she is finally getting it, good, because I have always been better at show than tell. I lead her into the bedroom to start showing her.

_A/N: I hope this was in character, but there is always going to be bumps in their relationship, as in any relationship. _

_Thanks for all the reviews and to __**christibabe **__for all of your suggestions on this chapter. I think I might have finally gotten over my writers block. _


	27. Chapter 27

Better than myself Part 27

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger for awhile, though.

Jason's POV

There is something that I know I need to do and I am being too selfish to do it. I need to let Camille go. She can't spend her entire life tied to something that isn't real. I can see every day that she is falling for Tank. I don't know if she is holding back because of me or because she is afraid. I don't want to be the one to hold her back, but our home, our family is something I love. I can't imagine only seeing JJ on evenings and weekends.

That is never the kind of Dad I wanted to be. Explaining to my kids why we are no longer together, not seeing JJ every day, cooking him breakfast, imagine not having that takes my breath away. Ranger says that I am being selfish and afraid. That no one is judging me and I no longer need to hide behind the illusion of a traditional marriage, but it not just about the illusion. I love what we have and I don't know what Cami would think if I approached the subject of divorce.

What about JJ? Would our separating set him back in his recovery? I am so proud of him; he is not shying away from our touch as long as he is aware that it is coming. He has fewer nightmares. I wish he would open up to us more, but he has no problem talking to Ranger. And as long as he is talking to someone, it doesn't matter who it is. Ella is saying that Ranger is opening up more also, so it is good all around.

Cami is excited about the move; the house that she chose in Atlanta is a beautiful house, something that she is looking forward to decorating. That is why I am not sure what she wants to do. She is exciting about us all living there and starting over. We don't talk about Tank very much, but from what she does mention, she is also looking forward to being closer to him. Getting to know someone is better when you are in close proximity. Eli is planning on moving to a condo in Athens, not too far, but he is all about his space. I think that is one of the reasons that he has never pushed the issue of living with me. He loves spending time with all of us, but he is an introvert naturally, so it does get draining for him and he loves going back to his place to just recharge.

JJ is an excited ball of energy about the move; he wanted to pack up his room as soon as he heard. He was very disappointed that we were not moving right next door to his 'Uncle R'. It seems that they have a lot of plans, regarding teaching JJ self defense. I know that is Ranger's way of bonding with JJ, but sometimes I feel left out of their relationship. I know that they are bonding over shared trauma, but they are still bonding. Ranger and I are getting better I think, he is still a little uncomfortable talking to me and we don't talk about the past, but we are both trying.

I want to ask him so many questions. I want to know the worst of what Thomas did to him. I need to hear it, that man was my father and I just want to know what was going on in the house where I lived and I didn't know and no one did anything about it. Cami keeps telling me that I don't need to know and I don't want to know. But I think I do. I can't ask JJ, I would never ask him to relive that. But Ranger can tell me. I know that is part of the awkwardness of all of our phone conversations. The unanswered questions.

JJ runs down the stairs with the phone, "Uncle R, wants to talk to you, he wants to make sure we are ready to go."

Ranger has coordinated all the movers to get us all down to Atlanta at the same time. They are going to load up the house and drive down and then the next day we are going to fly down. He is a great organizer, I also have learned that he is a little obsessive compulsive about times and punctuality. But it is probably from his time in the service.

"Hey Ranger, yes we are going to be ready. Yes, I have made overnight hotel reservations and yes, we have sold the cars back to the dealer. We will be picking up new cars when we get to Atlanta. I've told you this… Colonel Crazy."

He chuckles; I have been calling him Colonel Crazy, since I realized how OCD he was. Now that is over, I think I have to ask him, I don't want to let it go, I can't. I keep imaging that what kind of monster I came from, what if I have that kind of monster inside me.

"Ranger, I need to ask you a question, you might not want to answer. I will completely understand if you tell me to go to hell. But I need to know, how bad did it get with Thomas? I just need to know for JJ. I want to know if I am making things worse in my mind or if I can't even imagine the worst."

He is so quiet on the line, I am wondering if he is ever going to answer.

"Jason, you can't imagine the worst, but I can't pick out a specific incident that made it the worst. The entire situation for 14 years was the worst. There wasn't one thing that stood out more than anything. It was more the feelings of what happened than what actually happened. But if you need to hear it, if I can give you some peace about JJ, I will invite you to one of my therapy sessions. I think right now that is the only place I can have this conversation. "

"Okay, I think that is all I can ask of you, thank you for that. I know you don't want to, but I just keep imaging how much JJ is still hurting."

We hang up soon after that. I feel better, like I have a weight off of me. Cami walks into the room, frowning. "Jason, I thought you were going to leave that alone. Isn't enough that he is trying, why do you want to make him relive that?"

I don't know how to answer, except for the fact that I am hurting too.

"Cami, my father was a monster, he preyed on children! He prayed on my son and my brother! How many others, do we not know about! It hurts, it hurts that he is dead, it hurts that he lived. I don't have anything that I always had! I know that everything is changing for the better, but everything is changing so fast. I feel lost and Ranger is all I have left of my birth family and he has every right to hate me. I don't know…."

I sit on the couch and put my head in my hands. Cami comes and her hands on my head. "Jason, I know it hurts, I know. But you have to talk to me, if it will make you feel better talk to Ranger. Maybe you need to talk to someone too. I know you think you came out of that house unharmed, but you didn't."

I think she is right; I have been torturing myself for awhile with this. I do need something, because I am tied up in knots right now. 

"Once we get moved, I will find someone to talk to, I know that JJ will need someone new and I can start my own search."

I want to talk about happier things; I can't stand all this melodrama. We are getting a new beginning. But we can't start over without dealing with the ghosts of the past.

_A/N: Yeah! My writers block is officially over (at least for this chapter) _

_Please review when you can. I love writing this story and will be sad when it ends. I am amazed everyday how this story has grown with almost a mind of its own. Thank you everyone who has reviewed and has been following this from the beginning. Everything that is said is really considered and has only made my writing better. _


	28. Chapter 28

Better than myself Part 28

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

Tank's POV 

I don't want to talk to her, but I know neither of us have any kind of closure. Lula still doesn't understand why her actions were so hurtful and ended our relationship. She did the right thing by going to Ranger with Mrs. Plum's plan to have Stephanie killed. That could have ended so badly, not just for Stephanie, but the vengeance Ranger would have demanded would have rocked Trenton. I hope this means we can come closer to being friends. I don't make it a habit to leave a trail of broken hearted women in my wake.

The morning of the move, I go over to her one bedroom apartment. It is funny the things that you miss, I have missed this tiny place. It was much too small for people of our size to both occupy, but it she made it very comfortable. I knock on the door; I don't want to try my key. I don't want to know if she still left me free access into her home.

When she answers to door, she looks shocked at first and then smiles, "Tank, I knew you would be back, baby."

I was afraid she would think I was coming back to her. I need to nip that in the bud. I go in and sit on the couch; I gave her this purple couch when we broke the other one. I remember that evening so fondly and how she yelled that I was going to replace it, since I was the one who couldn't wait to get to the bed.

"Lula, I don't know if you knew, but we are all leaving Trenton today. I wanted to personally tell you good-bye. I couldn't leave without seeing you another time."

There is really no reason for me to ever come back here, the only reason I was here is because of Ranger and Rangeman. Once that is gone, I will make a home in Atlanta. From Ranger's plans, I don't think we will be leaving Atlanta once we set up shop there. He is desperate to set up roots also. We have been transient for far too long.

Sitting in her apartment, remembering all the love we shared here. I wanted her to be the woman I set up a home with, the woman that I laid down roots for. But, nothing has changed, she can't respect my family, then she doesn't respect me. I cannot be with a woman who doesn't respect me and my choices.

"Tank, you don't have to leave just because they are leaving. You can stay here with me, without Stephanie and Ranger in the way; I know we can fix this. They don't care about you like I do, no one does."

I think about what she says and I realize that she doesn't get it, she never did. Ranger has always been my brother. Now with Steph and Ella I feel like I have a family again, a home. That is important to me. The more I think about it, Lula doesn't know what that feels like. She has taken care of herself for so long, I don't think she knows what it is like to need other people. I know she has lived a screw or be screwed life for so long, that maybe she doesn't understand loyalty and family.

"I am going, they are my family. I think this move will be good for all of us. "

"Family… Tank, they would drop you in a heartbeat if something better came around. Ranger is your boss, not your `brother' and Steph, is a user. She is using Ranger, just like she used Morelli. Don't you think that she always knew all the dirt Morelli did? Wasn't it convenient that she kept it all inside until Morelli didn't suit her needs? Face it Tank, you and Ranger don't know Stephanie as well as you would think."

I can't start to think like that. I have spent enough time with Stephanie to know that she is not a user. I know Lula thinks everyone uses everyone all the time. I tried to show her that it wasn't true, but I know that unless a person wants to change, you can't change them.

I stand up and give her a hug and hand my key. "Take care of yourself Lula. I really did love you, but I know we have to move on."

She doesn't say anything else; I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't come here for reconciliation, but leaving feels so empty. It feels like I am leaving part of myself behind.

It is time to leave what I wished could have been and go forward towards what is. Camille and I have been talking more about the future and what a future with me would look like. I would never ask her to change the life she is accustomed to, but I don't know if I would feel comfortable openly dating a woman who everyone knew as married. Not just married, married to Ranger's brother.

I know the house that they purchased in Atlanta has a mother in law suite, because she would never want JJ to live apart from his father. Maybe that is a step in a great direction for us. I am not in a hurry, she is a wonderful woman and I want to get to know her so much better.

_A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. Life has gotten crazy since school let out. I will go to once a week posting, unless I get extra time and then that will be a bonus! _

_Thanks again for everyone who is following and reviewing this story. Next stop Atlanta! _


	29. Chapter 29

Better than myself Part 29

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

JJs POV

We are finally here, and I see why some of the research I did, called it Hotlanta. I was hoping that the all of us would love it. But Mom and Dad are acting weird and not answering any questions. I know that there is something going on. I hate when parents act like kids don't know anything and cannot see what is going on around them. Dad is staying in the apartment in one part of the house and Mom is staying with me in the main part of the house. It isn't that bad, I don't think they are fighting. Nothing really has changed with the way they act towards each other. I think they are going to get a divorce, I don't know how I feel about that. I wish they would just be honest with me. And until they decide to tell me the truth, I am going to spend all of my time with Uncle Ranger and Steph.

The apartment that they share on the top floor of the office building is huge. Ranger has the best entertainment system and every DVD I could ever wish for, I think he bought them for me. The office building even has an Olympic sized pool. Bobby has been teaching me how to dive. I always wanted to learn, we just never had time in Boston. I think I am getting pretty good. I have also spent a lot of time in Ella's kitchen. She is the best cookie maker I have ever seen. Not just your normal chocolate chip either, she comes up with the best combos, I am the official taster. The best one so far has been Bacon and Brown butter cookies. It sounds weird but everyone at them up.

Uncle Ranger has been really busy getting things set up, I don't know how businesses work, and he does seem stressed out. He takes time out to teach me self defense moves, I am not as good at that as I am at diving, but I know Ranger loves it. We have also had some great long walks, where he will answer any question I have for him. Even really hard ones about Grandpa. I know he doesn't like to talk about Grandpa, his eyes look far away and his voice is really flat. But there has never been anything that he hasn't answered. He has even showed me some scars that he still has on his back, from some of the things that Grandpa did to him. I know that there are things about Grandpa I don't want to think about, but Uncle R doesn't hold back. I love him for that.

Dad and Uncle Ranger have been spending a lot of time together too. I know it is making up for lost time; it was funny watching Dad try to play basketball. Uncle Ranger was being easy on him because I have watched him play with the rest of the guys and he plays hard. I accidentally walked in on them when they were having a serious talk. I don't know what was said, but it was one of the few times I really saw my Dad cry. I don't understand how he didn't know what happened to Uncle R, when they lived in the same house. But I know better than anyone that you can hide anything you want, especially when no one is looking too close.

Mom has been spending time helping Steph get Arielle's Haven going. I haven't been to the building yet, but I know that Mom is excited about working there. When she told me about the job, she just held me really close to her. I think she is glad that other kids will have places to go when they have trouble. I know not everyone has great parents that will try to help them. I wish Ranger had a place like that to go when he was little. That is probably where he got the idea from. My new counselor is going to work there too. I can't wait until I can stop thinking about Grandpa every day. He is gone, but it just feels like what he did to me is leaving a cloud over all of my happiness. I have talked to my counselor about it, and he says it will never go away; it will get better in time. I don't know if I believe it will get better

I think that fear is what started the panic attacks. It feels like all of the air is sucked out of the room and I can't breathe. I just have to do some deep breathing and I can get through it. Uncle Ranger says that he used to get them all of the time. He surprises me every day with how much he is willing to share with me. I would think that because he is a big strong army guy, he would be embarrassed by things that made him look weak, but with me he says he will never be embarrassed.

Eli is moving next week, not to Atlanta but somewhere an hour away. I knew that Eli would never live in the same place as us. He is so funny about making sure he keeps his own space in the world. I can't wait to have him taste Ella's cookies. He is a big sweet eater and we have polished off many of batches of cookies together.

I miss my sister, but she has her own life so I didn't see much of her anyway. I am sure that in the long run the rest of family being close will be good for everyone. Mom is making new friends, Steph, Ella and Grandma Mazur have practically adopted her. Dad and Ranger are getting closer. I have met great guys at Rangeman who can't wait to teach me all kinds of fun things. Without all of the ghosts from Boston. I see good things in our future.

_A/N: I thought it would be good to show Atlanta from JJs point of view first. No one gets as excited as a kid about new things. _

_Please review, I love to hear what everyone is thinking._


	30. Chapter 30

Better than myself Part 30

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

Stephanie's POV

Camille comes into the office bearing boxes of food, I look down at the clock and it is lunch time. I have been reading over these resumes for hours. I have piles of yes, no and maybes. I smile at Camille, "So how are your piles going? Anyone amazing?"

She chuckles, "Pretty good candidates, but no one that is going to be able to run this entire place alone. I have been thinking that we should have different managers, one for the counseling side of things, who has a great social work or psychology background and one for the activities part someone who has a back ground in physical education and technology."

We are in tune with each other when it comes to how Arielle's house is going to be set up. She is the best partner I could ever ask for. That idea just made my piles so much easier to go through. Looking for that one perfect person felt like I was looking for the chupacabra.

I feel so much freer in Atlanta, much more capable. It is nice not to have the "Bombshell Bounty Hunter" thing over my head in everything I do. I see now how much that would have held me back if we would have remained in Trenton. There everyone expected me to fail and it made me not expect any more from myself. Here, I am just a competent businesswoman. It feels wonderful.

I think the move was wonderful for everyone; my father seems so happy working maintenance for the building. I am not sure if it is the work or just being free from my mother. I was not the only one that was stifled by her. He seems to enjoy all of the daily chores that he has to do. And enjoys it that much more when he has JJ tagging along.

JJ has become the honorary Rangeman. The building is just so much more fun when he is around. The guys always have a new task for him to try to accomplish and he is just blossoming under this attention. I think his parents are doing a great job, but they are going through their own thing right now, too. I bet is it great that JJ has other people to lean on while they sort out their issues.

Watching Carlos with JJ, that is a dream for me. I was just watching them play basketball one day and it just came to me, how much I want to marry that man. I know we are committed and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. I just know that I want to be his wife. That would mean that I don't care who he was with in his past, what kind of relationship they had or how little he thinks about it. That would mean that our present is all that matters. I am not sure if I should tell him or just see how easily things progress.

Sometimes I can even see children in our future. Not a baby, I don't think that I want to start from there, but a child JJs age or older. I know that isn't something I am ready to mention to Carlos. I am not sure how he feels about having more kids. He I working on repairing his relationship with Julie and to his relationship with JJ is amazing. But I think he would still be a little wary of taking on kids of our own. He still sees himself as so broken with so much work ahead. When I see him with JJ that just proves to me that he has less work than he thinks.

He has no reservations with JJ, I have overhead a few of their conversations and he holds nothing back. If JJ asks a question, Carlos always finds a way to answer, even when I can tell the answer hurts him. The day that JJ asks about any scars that Thomas left. I never noticed or paid attention that the scar on his lower back is a "T" that bastard took a branding iron to him when he was 8 years old. Just to show him that he could never really be free. I saw JJ nod, but couldn't bear to hear JJs reaction.

I can see Camille struggling with how much she wants to know about what happened and how much she just wishes she could bury her head in the sand. I complete agree with both of these reactions. I do not need to know any details of what Thomas did, but sometimes it feels like Carlos is dying to tell someone. She has confided in me a lot of things that Jason is struggling with, he feels like he let Carlos down in every way and has a need to find out what happened while he was upstairs sleeping. I don't think that will help Jason at all. But I stay out of it, Carlos agreed to let him come to a therapy session, I hope that they can work it out during therapy.

Carlos is trying so hard not to close himself off, is such a great thing. I can see that it is a struggle some days because he feels he needs to be everything to everyone. Those are the nights that the four of us (Ella, Tank, Carlos and I) make sure we have our family dinner. He just can be himself and if he wants to be quiet then, no one will push. I sometimes worry that he is trying too hard to be well, but he is assuring me that this is what he always wanted. He always wanted to know what family would feel like and he thinks that Rangeman Atlanta finally feels like family to him.

I have to agree, family isn't always what you were born into, it is sometimes what you find for yourself. I feel lucky to have the family I found and some of my birth family here with me. Grandma likes this weather here; she says her bones have never felt better. She has been spending a lot of time at the local senior center. So much that I think she is considering a move. I don't know if she is willing to move away from all of these "hotties" but it is nice that she has found her own circle of friends.

In the meantime, I have managers to find and paint colors to pick out. Camille and I need to get back to work; I would love to have the grand unveiling in a month. I am thinking of throwing a formal party to properly introduce Arielle's Haven and Rangeman Atlanta. It is always about getting your foot in the door in a new city, to get the right people interested and the world will open at your feet. At least that is what wise Carlos Manoso CEO says. I hope so; I have a great feeling about it.

_A/N: I hope this chapter showed that Steph is in such a good place and Ranger is working on it. I haven't' decided how far into living in Atlanta I want to go, I think that there are still a lot of loose ends for me to tie up. _

_Two chapters in one week. That has been a dream for me to have time for both. Summer is going to be busy, but I always need to make sure I carve out time to this. _

_Thanks everyone for all of the review – keep them coming. _


	31. Chapter 31

Better than myself Part 31

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

Ranger's POV

I am putting on my tux for the opening party of Arielle's House, there are so many important people coming from all of Atlanta and even a couple of contacts I have in DC. I have such faith in Stephanie and her abilities; she has surpassed all of my expectations. She has embraced the small idea that I had and ran with it and made it wonderful. It is a place that I think that kids of all ages would feel comfortable spending time after school. The staff that was hired, after extensive background checks, are all very approachable.

Rangeman Atlanta seems to be progressing nicely; it is always good when our reputation precedes us. Especially when everyone received notices that I was taking over operations and expanding our services. We have several new accounts already and I am making more consultation appointments than I have staff to manage. I do have a lot of interviews in the works; I think we already need at least 5 more guys. I have some people in mind. I just have to convince them that a move to Atlanta would be worth their while.

The move to Atlanta was definitely worth my while. The connections that I am making with JJ and Jason are the kind of connections I have looked for my entire life. When I add their relationships to the ones I already have with Steph, Tank and Ella. It feels that I have a family for the first time in my life. Spending time with JJ is always the highlight of my day, even with all of the questions he has about Thomas. I can deal with telling him anything he wants to know as long as I think it will help him move on in some way.

The decisions that Jason and Cami are making are affecting JJ and I don't think they see it. I think the easiest thing for them would be to just tell him that they are divorcing. The plan that they came up with not to disrupt JJs life to much is amazingly selfless. They are both going to stay in the house; Jason is going to live in the mother in law suite, so he will still have complete access to JJ. I believe that it will work, because they are not ending their marriage because of a lack of love, it is because they love each other that they are breaking up. JJ is too mature for his age because of what he has been through; I think he will understand more than they are giving him credit for. I can't get in the middle of it too much; I am just giving Jason my advice.

Jason, he is a great guy, I always wanted to be free to know him the way I do now. I just am not sure I can do what he wants me to do. It seems important to him to know exactly what Thomas did to me. He is afraid that because his father was a monster, he has some of the same monster in him. Convincing him otherwise isn't working, I tell him constantly, that people who have evil in them, do not sit around worrying about their evilness.

How can I relate so many years of violence and terror into a few sentences in order to give him peace of mind? I want to give him peace of mind; I am getting to a place where I can sleep at night without waking up in a cold sweat. I want that for him. I have invited him to my next therapy session and I have discussed it with the therapist that we might do a question and answer session and Jason can listen in. That should give him the information he needs, stressing that he will need follow up care after that session. With the intention of having him find his own therapist so he can let go of his fears.

This night is not about that kind of fear; this night is to celebrate Steph and her accomplishments. She has blossomed so much outside of the shadow of the Burg. I knew that this strong woman was in her, she was just so stifled in the place. I watch her as she works, the confidence she exudes as a business woman, makes everyone sit up and notice. I always knew she was my perfect match and who she becoming proves me right.

As she walks out of the dressing room, a vision in a purple. The one shoulder dress that she is wearing fits her like a glove, but is far sexier than any of her distraction outfits. Her hair is up showing off her beautiful neck with a few curls skimming her shoulders. What I want to do to her, with definitely make us late for this party. She is the host, we can't be late, but afterwards, I want to have her with this dress bunched up around her waist.

I want to see her in a wedding dress, she would make the most magnificent bride, and I close my eyes and can almost picture her walking towards me down the aisle. I have the rings in the safe in the bedroom; I just am waiting for the perfect moment.

Walking over to her, I pull her close and whisper "Te amo y lo haré hasta que me muera*" in her ear. I know she doesn't understand, but I am practicing.

* I love you and will until I die

_A/N: I had several requests to hear from Ranger and since he is my favorite character to write, I had no problem doing it. _

_Thanks everyone for reviewing, it keeps the story going. I just want to make sure we tie up all the loose ends. _


	32. Chapter 32

Better than myself Part 32

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

I miss them more than I thought was possible. Without Dad, Grandma and Steph here, I feel so alone in the world. I know what Mom tried to do was awful, but it feels like they took her away also. Albert is still making himself scarce and while I completely agree with why he is doing it. It still hurts to feel so isolated. I know I could call them anytime and at least Dad would be glad to hear from me, but that hurts too. To hear about how life is so much better in Atlanta that it ever was in Trenton. How productive Dad feels with his new job and Rangeman. How Grandma isn't being as inappropriate because she doesn't have anything to prove. And Stephanie, from what Dad says Steph is doing amazing, setting up her own club for kids, being the director of a non-profit. I can honestly say I didn't think she had it in her; she was always a screw up. But maybe being a screw up in a screwed up situation never helped.

It is like everyone moved on to have such a great life and I am left to pick up the pieces of the old one. There are some bright spots; I do enjoy working for Rangeman. The guys that are left here are nice; I can tell that at least Cal and Hal have one foot out of the door. They want to go to Atlanta too. I can admit that if these guys are used to everyday action, this isn't the place for them right now. The security they provide seems top notch, but it is a lot of sitting and looking. I know that they are working on establishing themselves as also a bonds company, but it is taking some time. I don't feel accepted there, but they are never unfriendly. I know where their loyalty lies, with Stephanie and I betrayed her.

Betrayed, I really did. Not just Stephanie, but Albert as well. We decided not to do an amniocentesis to figure out who the father of this baby is, but wait until the baby is born. So I have 5 long months to wait until I know if this is Morelli's baby. Sometimes I could kick myself for my stupidity. He never wanted anything from me other than information, but late at night I find myself thinking of our time together. I know it was all an illusion, but for one brief moment, I felt as special as Stephanie.

I was going to visit him in prison, but I keep chickening out. It can wait until after the baby is born. If it is not his, then he never needs to know. Besides, I spend enough time visiting jails and mental wards. I try to see mother at least once a week. She isn't any better. Still ranting about how Stephanie and her lifestyle made us a laughing stock.

"Mother, you need to calm down. Not everything that happened or happens is Stephanie's fault. Did she make you try to kill her?"

She doesn't have an answer for that, just looks at me and says, "At least I have one perfect daughter. If I would have married your real father, we would have had a perfect life."

Now we are one step closer to the reason for my visit. My real father, I think I deserve to know who he is. I have gotten a new car and my groceries have been paid for every time I go to the store. I know if he is still in Trenton, he has to be the one helping me out. But I can't figure out who it could be.

Mother is ranting about how our lives would have been perfect, because he has such good connections and is so powerful. Blah, Blah, Blah, I just want to know who the man is. I have been going through all of the possibilities in my head. I am just hoping it isn't a Morelli man, because the idea that Joe would have been my brother and all the Jerry Springerness that might entail. But it couldn't really be because Joe's father has been dead for years, and she is speaking of connections in the present.

"Val, I know you would have been happier with your real father. You are so perfect and deserved the perfect life. Instead of being reduced to working for Ranger and his goons, if you could have found a better husband…"

Me, perfect? I am not perfect; I have just been going through the outward motions of being perfect. I have a great husband; I am the one who might have destroyed that. True, we do not have money, but money isn't everything.

"Mother, I do have a great husband, I love Albert more than anything."

"Then why aren't you living together? I still hear things being in this God-forsaken place."

This is my opportunity to tell her, should I tell her the truth about me. She is the only person that still thinks of me as Saint Valerie. The only person who has no knowledge of my wrongdoings, do I want to kill that. I think I do. I need to be more than just perfect in her eyes. She is far from perfect and has no room to judge me on my misdeeds.

"Mom, Albert is sleeping at the office, because this baby might not be his."

"Not be his, I don't understand."

"I am sure you do, I slept with Joe Morelli and this might be his child."

She looks shocked and then happy. I understand the shocked, but happy. I don't get it.

"Joe Morelli would be a great father to your child. Once he gets his legal problems cleared up, you could be with him."

Is she crazy? I guess I am in a mental facility, which answers that question. I tell her that Joe did not have any defense for his actions. He plead guilty to avoid a trial. He is not getting out of jail for at the very least 10 years. Even if he wasn't, we wouldn't have a life together. I made a mistake and was used. He uses everyone he comes in contact with. Joe only cares about Joe. He never cared about me; I was a means to an end.

"Of course he cares about himself; he had the potential for greatness, until your sister came along and ruined his life."

"Mother, Joe ruined his own life, the illegal things he was doing, he admitted to doing. Stephanie couldn't have done that. He did it because he thought he would get away with it, the same way he did everything."

I can't talk to her anymore, she doesn't get it. I am afraid she never will.

"I am not going to come back until you are ready to be honest with me, I want to know who my father is and I won't come back until you are ready to tell me. I don't want anything from him, I won't try to ruin his life, and I just have the right to know who he is."

"Val, if you don't come back, I will be alone. Your father and Grandmother are gone; no one else will talk to me."

"Then you know what you have to do." I have never pushed anyone like this; I think the guys at Rangeman are rubbing off on me.

"Your father is Joe Juniak. I have always known, he has always known. But you can't do anything about it. Don't rock the boat Val, just don't."

Joe Juniak is my father, my children's grandfather. I don't have any words. I just stare at her. How could she have done that? His wife is the sweetest lady, always willing to look out for others.

I thought knowing would make me feel something, but I still have a mess in my life to fix. He can't help me, if he has always known about me and did nothing. He is not worth my time or tears. Frank Plum is the only father I need and maybe it is time to be truthful with him also. I cannot continue the lie I have been living, in a few months that might not be possible anyway.

_A/N: I thought it was time to go back to Trenton for a bit. I hope this was enjoyable. Reviews are like presents to me, so thank you for reviewing this story so positively. I will be sad when it is over. But it is getting there. _


	33. Chapter 33

Better than myself Part 33

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

Frank's POV

I just hung up from an exhausting but necessary call with Valerie. In a surprising show of honesty, Helen told Val that Joe Juniak was her father. I always knew, but I never thought Helen would ever say the words out loud.

Val says that there is nothing that she needs from Juniak because I am all the father that she needs. That makes me feel great. I don't know if I deserve it, I wasn't the father I should have been to either of my girls. I let Helen run the show and only stood up for them when I thought that it was a matter of life and death. I should have stood up more; maybe I could have made Val more independent, more willing to stand on her own. And Steph, there is so much I should have done for Steph, but she seems to be making her own way now.

I am glad Valerie has decided to take some charge in her life. If Morelli is the father of that baby, I think she has a more difficult job ahead than she realizes. Even though I think Albert is a wimp, I don't believe he could raise Morelli's child as his own and I don't blame him. It took a lot for me to do that. I am glad that we have opened the lines of communication and she felt that she didn't have to hide her indiscretions from me any longer. I can't and will not advocate on her side with Stephanie. Steph isn't ready to talk to her; I will not try to convince her otherwise. She still feels deeply betrayed by what Valerie did. They have to work that out between themselves, on Stephanie's terms. I am not sure where they go now.

I know exactly where Stephanie is going, she is headed to be Mrs. Manoso. He asked me for her hand. It was a nice gesture, but as I told him, Stephanie is her own woman. If he is what she thinks is best then I will support them 100%. Getting to know Ranger these past few months showed me a side to him I would have never seen in Trenton. The man who loves his nephew unconditionally, I have watched them walking the building together, like two peas in a pod.

The respect and caring he has for all of his employees. He will go above and beyond to make sure everyone around him is comfortable and happy. The impression I had of him in Trenton was just the tough as nails bounty hunter who was all about money and business. It is nice to know how wrong we were. Oh, I know he could and does kick ass without breaking a sweat, but there is so much more to him than that.

I saw how nervous he was when his daughter was coming to visit; I never thought he had nervous energy in him. He gives such and impression of calm, but he wanted her to like his new home and have a good time so she would come back.

Witnessing the relationship I can tell he is working on with his brother and seeing how different they look. I can only conclude that they have different fathers. It is amazing how selfish and reckless people can be with their bodies and other people's feelings.

From what Ella has told me, without breaking any confidences, is that Ranger didn't have the easiest start in the world. But no matter how he started out. I can see the man that he is trying to be. And that is a man I would be proud to call my son.

Thinking of Ella brings a smile to my face. That is a very beautiful woman. We have spent a lot of time together, just trying to get to know this new city. We have spent entire afternoons at Centennial Olympic Park, evenings at the Fox Theater. She has even taken me to see the Braves play. There is nothing she wouldn't do, no where she wouldn't go. That is a far cry from the homebody I was used to. It is nice to have someone to experience life with.

I am not going to say that I think all women should cook, but I adore good food and being around someone who can cook good food is a revelation. I hadn't had food with all this flavor and taste in years. The food Helen cooked, while it was good, it was always the same, Pot Roast, Chicken and Potatoes, Spaghetti Bolognese, Fried Chicken and Mashed Potatoes. It was just food that was typical in the 'Burg and of course Helen would not stray from that typical menu. But eating Ella's cooking is a revelation of flavor. The same way she approaches life, is the way she approaches food. There is no part of the world that she will not try and with Hector's Mexican roots, Tank's roots deep in New Orleans, Stephanie's love of her Italian roots and Ella's Cuban cooking. I have eaten around the world in a week. Oh, not to mention the strange but always delicious cookies she and JJ make.

It is a good thing that Rangeman has an all access gym or I would be as big as a house by now, when actually I feel better and younger than I have felt in years. I don't want to put a label on the time Ella and I spend together. We are just two adults, spending time together and enjoying helping these young people realize their dreams, while I think we are finding ours.

_A/N: I am trying to make sure we hear from everyone as we move this story forward. I think it will be time to hear about Tank next. _

_I am a little behind in posting so please bear with me. I am working to get this and my other fic caught up, between unexpected family dropping by and 3 days no power things are a little behind everywhere. But I have not and will not abandon my fics. I had been trying to write on notebooks, but without being able to go back and read other chapters. The voice of the characters seemed off. But it is better now._

_As always reviews/comments are appreciated. _


	34. Chapter 34

Better than myself Part 34

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

Stephanie's POV

I was a little surprised when Ranger asked me to attend his therapy session. He had always kept them separate from me, not because he was being secretive anymore; I just think he wanted to shield me from some of the ugliness that happened to him. But this time, he said that he needed me and wasn't sure he could get through the session with Jason without me. Of course I would go with him, which just shows me again how far we have come in the past few months. He has finally gotten to a place where he can admit his need and ask for help.

Arriving at the therapist, he kissed my hand and steeled himself for whatever Jason had to ask. I know it had to be hard for Ranger to answer direct questions about some of the things that happened, but this was something that he knew Jason needed. It had to be hard to feel like you came from a monster.

It got me thinking about my relationship with Valerie. I know that I need to forgive her, she was manipulated my Joe and I can't be angry about that anymore. Sometimes things are done because the other person needs it and Dad keeps saying that Valerie needs me. I can be the bigger person and be there for her in her time of need. I can't imagine what she is going through and will go through until they know who the father of her baby is.

I am shocked that I got through the session without bursting into tears. Ranger didn't need my tears right now, he needed my strength. I would cry later. I could tell he was shedding tears of his own, in his own way. I have learned while being with him, just because you don't see tears on the outside doesn't mean the person isn't crying.

When they were done, Jason hugged Ranger, "I am so sorry little brother, we all let you down, but it will never happen again. We are all that we have left and we have to be there for each other. Thank you for doing this for me."

"I never blamed you Jason, I never did. We are going to be okay; we can't let the poison of our parents dictate our future."

He turned to me and was ready to go. We got into the Porsche and he quickly got into his driving zone. I knew better than to try to make small talk or ask where we were going. As much as things have changed a lot of things have stayed the same.

I wondered why we ended up at Arielle's Haven. Didn't we see enough of this place during the day? All of Rangeman employees seemed to spend a lot of time here, doing different activities with the kids. Ranger loved teaching self defense and the signup sheets for his classes was always a mile long.

This was a dream job; I got to help people in a way that didn't get me shot at. And unlike at the bonds office, I don't see any potential for jealous coworkers. Camille and I have become great friends. She is slowly filling the hole that Lula's betrayal left. Which is ironic since she is dating Tank, I guess I am destined to be friends with whomever Tank loves. I see them growing closer and becoming a unit more and more every day. I know Tank is guarding his heart a little and wants to make sure he does everything right by her. But I don't have any doubt in my mind, that once JJ comes around, they will be married.

Ranger and I walk through the building, waving to the few employees remaining. A little more people than usual for this time of evening, but it isn't unusual for people not to want to leave. He leads me to the pond in the back, the gazebo just was finished this week and I am so happy about it, I am waiting for the paddle boats to be delivered and the deck to be built and it is just another activity for the kids.

He looks at me, I don't know what I expected him to say, but it wasn't what came out of his mouth. "Babe, Stephanie, my life has been heading this direction since we met, if not before that. There is not a part of me that has not been in love with you for as long as I can remember. You made me want to change; you made me want to become a better man."

He gets down on one knee, "Will you marry me?" And he brings out the most beautiful diamond and sapphire ring I have ever seen.

I get down on my knees also, because no one needs to be below the other in this moment, "Of course I will marry you."

Thinking of becoming his husband brings me no anxiety, no doubt. My future is supposed to be with this man as his wife. I don't need a big wedding, I don't want a new dress, and I just want to start our life together. I could not wait to become Mrs. Stephanie Manoso.

As always Ranger was a million steps ahead of me and out comes all of our friends and family. And I think I see a minister coming from behind the gazebo.

"Well there is no time like the present."

_A/N: Sorry I have been behind in posting, between my kids, my job and a minor outpatient procedure that left me exhausted it feels like I haven't written in ages. I want to that Margaret fowler and christibabe for egging my story on and not letting me lie in limbo. I am feeling much better now and things seem to be moving forward better. And I am less than a month away from the kids going back to school! _

_Thanks for all of the reviews, they are like candy and give me inspiration. _


	35. Chapter 35

Better than myself Part 35

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

**Ranger's POV**

I wake up slowly and look over at Steph, she is the reason my arm is asleep. But I can't bear to move her. This is the last day of our honeymoon and then it will be time to start our lives. Two weeks in the Grand Cayman is not enough. Stephanie loves it here; I do find myself wondering if they need a branch of Rangeman out here. But I know it isn't realistic.

Our entire honeymoon has not been this relaxing. We started off in Trenton, because Valerie went into labor right after the ceremony. As disappointed Stephanie was in her sister, she wanted to be there for her during this time. Because everyone knew that the paternity of this child would determine her future. The baby arrived like a freight train, we were almost too late, but Frank and Steph arrived just in time to witness Cameron Morelli's birth. Yes, Morelli, Albert insisted on the paternity test moments after the baby was born. I pulled some strings to rush the results and it was 99.9% accurate that Albert was not the father. He left the hospital without a word to Valerie. All we know is that he stopped by Mary Lou's to see the girls and there is a closed sign in his office.

Valerie was inconsolable; she wanted to apologize to everyone and then wanted to be alone. Stephanie held Cameron for quite some time; I am not sure if she was thinking that it could have been her or if she dodged a bullet with Morelli. She volunteered to be the one to go tell Morelli about the baby. I didn't want her to go, but I respected her decision and her need for closure.

I didn't want to go into the jail with her, it was a private moment and I knew she had to tell him about the child he would not see until he was 16 years old. I could not imagine his reaction, he always wanted children and now that he has one, he will have no say in the raising.

While I was waiting for her at the jail, I guess Joe Juniak made an appearance at the hospital. He wanted to see is newest grandchild. He came with apologizes for being afraid to step up and thanks to Frank for stepping up and being Valerie's father. I don't know what that means for how active he plans to be in their lives, but you can never have too many people who love you in your life.

Steph came out of the prison with a smile on her face and a kiss for me. "Carlos, I needed to say good-bye and tell him we were married, and about Cameron. He was sad but I think he has started to come to terms with the choices he made getting him here. It isn't my fault he is in jail, it was his greed, he wanted everything without any consequences. And we both know it can't work that way."

We drove away from Trenton, not for the last time, Stephanie was committed to trying to have some relationship with her sister. They need each other.

Our next stop was Boston, I wanted to see my mother's grave. I guess I was looking for closure, I wasn't prepared for the emotions that welled up in me seeing her buried next to my sister. I sat and talked to Arielle for a long time, I just wanted her to know that I understood and wasn't angry that she didn't help me. I was just so sad that Thomas' evil claimed her life. And to tell her that I was more determined than ever to live my life well, because living well is the best revenge and I know that it was what Arielle always wanted for me.

I wanted to forgive my mother, I thought the months of therapy brought me to a place of forgiveness, but when I tried to talk to her. I just cried, I have not cried in years. I know Steph was unsure what to do, so she just held my hand. I cried for the mother I always wanted, I cried for the little boy I was, I cried for JJ. I couldn't forgive her, because there are some things that I am not ready to forgive. By looking the other way, she allowed all of her children to be harmed in some way, and her grandson. Her selfishness destroyed lives and I am not ready to absolve her of the responsibility for that.

We left Boston with the knowledge that that we will have to come back; we will have to come back when I am ready to forgive. Forgiveness would not be for her, it would be for me, Ella always tells me that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. I am not quite ready to give up that hope, but I am making strides in getting there. My therapist says that everything will come in time, it took me 30+ years to get help, and it will not be all fixed in a year.

I am in such a better place than I was, when most of my thoughts were consumed with hiding who I was and if my life was worth living. I look around and see all I would have missed if I would have taken my life the night Tank came into the apartment. I have only admitted this out loud to my therapist, that night the demons felt too close, I thought it would be so much easier to give up. But I would have missed out on having Jason in my life and JJ who is my buddy. We spend so much time together; I think I help him as much as he helps me. He has finally began to accept that his parents are not going to be married and that Tank loves his mother and does not want to take his father's place. How could he, Jason lives in the mother in law suite of their house. Jason and Tank have even found things in common and are become fast friends with their love of jazz and spicy foods.

Tank says that he is willing to go as slow as Camille and Jason need to in order to do their relationship right. He is so happy and I am happy for him.

I would also have missed the dance that Frank and Ella are doing around each other. They think that no one notices the looks they give each other or the long hours they spend at each other's apartments. I can tell that they are afraid of the reactions they will get, especially since they consider themselves the parents of our motley crew. That is even more of a reason that I am sure that everyone will be ecstatic that they found each other. But I know it will come out in due time, love can't remain hidden, it shouldn't.

I can't ever thank Tank enough for stopping me that day, I would never have had the chance to better my life and I can't imagine a better life than this.

A/N: I want to thank everyone for following this story as long as you have. I hope I ended it a satisfactory way. I am not _sure if I have an epilogue in me, because I feel I wrapped up this story in a great way. I will miss these characters. I might revisit them soon; I have ideas about telling some of young Ranger's story. But I need to wait until school starts and finish Waiting for change. I don't think I am a 2 story at once writer. My thoughts get too muddled. _

_I want to thank Christibabe, Margaret fowler and Danababy1076 for encouraging me and giving me great ideas to get over my writers block. I might have more work for you ladies! _


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